camille-第36部分

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〃Finally；　my　dear　child；　let　me　tell　you　all；　for　I　have　not　yet　told　you　all；　let　me　tell　you　what　has　brought　me　to　Paris。　I　have　a　daughter；　as　I　have　told　you；　young；　beautiful；　pure　as　an　angel。　She　loves；　and　she；　too；　has　made　this　love　the　dream　of　her　life。　I　wrote　all　that　to　Armand；　but；　absorbed　in　you；　he　made　no　reply。　Well；　my　daughter　is　about　to　marry。　She　is　to　marry　the　man　whom　she　loves；　she　enters　an　honourable　family；　which　requires　that　mine　has　to　be　no　less　honourable。　The　family　of　the　man　who　is　to　become　my　son…in…law　has　learned　what　manner　of　life　Armand　is　leading　in　Paris；　and　has　declared　to　me　that　the　marriage　must　be　broken　off　if　Armand　continues　this　life。　The　future　of　a　child　who　has　done　nothing　against　you；　and　who　has　the　right　of　looking　forward　to　a　happy　future；　is　in　your　hands。　Have　you　the　right；　have　you　the　strength；　to　shatter　it？　In　the　name　of　your　love　and　of　your　repentance；　Marguerite；　grant　me　the　happiness　of　my　child。〃

I　wept　silently；　my　friend；　at　all　these　reflections　which　I　had　so　often　made；　and　which；　in　the　mouth　of　your　father；　took　a　yet　more　serious　reality。　I　said　to　myself　all　that　your　father　dared　not　say　to　me；　though　it　had　come　to　his　lips　twenty　times：　that　I　was；　after　all；　only　a　kept　woman；　and　that　whatever　excuse　I　gave　for　our　liaison；　it　would　always　look　like　calculation　on　my　part；　that　my　past　life　left　me　no　right　to　dream　of　such　a　future；　and　that　I　was　accepting　responsibilities　for　which　my　habits　and　reputation　were　far　from　giving　any　guarantee。　In　short；　I　loved　you；　Armand。

The　paternal　way　in　which　M。　Duval　had　spoken　to　me；　the　pure　memories　that　he　awakened　in　me；　the　respect　of　this　old　man；　which　I　would　gain；　yours；　which　I　was　sure　of　gaining　later　on：　all　that　called　up　in　my　heart　thoughts　which　raised　me　in　my　own　eyes　with　a　sort　of　holy　pride；　unknown　till　then。　When　I　thought　that　one　day　this　old　man；　who　was　now　imploring　me　for　the　future　of　his　son；　would　bid　his　daughter　mingle　my　name　with　her　prayers；　as　the　name　of　a　mysterious　friend；　I　seemed　to　become　transformed；　and　I　felt　a　pride　in　myself。

The　exaltation　of　the　moment　perhaps　exaggerated　the　truth　of　these　impressions；　but　that　was　what　I　felt；　friend；　and　these　new　feelings　silenced　the　memory　of　the　happy　days　I　had　spent　with　you。

〃Tell　me；　sir；〃　I　said　to　your　father；　wiping　away　my　tears；　〃do　you　believe　that　I　love　your　son？〃

〃Yes；〃　said　M。　Duval。

〃With　a　disinterested　love？〃

〃Yes。

〃Do　you　believe　that　I　had　made　this　love　the　hope；　the　dream；　the　forgivenessof　my　life？〃

〃Implicitly。〃

〃Well；　sir；　embrace　me　once；　as　you　would　embrace　your　daughter；　and　I　swear　to　you　that　that　kiss；　the　only　chaste　kiss　I　have　ever　had；　will　make　me　strong　against　my　love；　and　that　within　a　week　your　son　will　be　once　more　at　your　side；　perhaps　unhappy　for　a　time；　but　cured　forever。〃

〃You　are　a　noble　child；〃　replied　your　father；　kissing　me　on　the　forehead；　〃and　you　are　making　an　attempt　for　which　God　will　reward　you；　but　I　greatly　fear　that　you　will　have　no　influence　upon　my　son。〃

〃Oh；　be　at　rest；　sir；　he　will　hate　me。〃

I　had　to　set　up　between　us；　as　much　for　me　as　for　you；　an　insurmountable　barrier。

I　wrote　to　Prudence　to　say　that　I　accepted　the　proposition　of　the　Comte　de　N。；　and　that　she　was　to　tell　him　that　I　would　sup　with　her　and　him。　I　sealed　the　letter；　and；　without　telling　him　what　it　contained；　asked　your　father　to　have　it　forwarded　to　its　address　on　reaching　Paris。

He　inquired　of　me　what　it　contained。

〃Your　son's　welfare；〃　I　answered。

Your　father　embraced　me　once　more。　I　felt　two　grateful　tears　on　my　forehead；　like　the　baptism　of　my　past　faults；　and　at　the　moment　when　I　consented　to　give　myself　up　to　another　man　I　glowed　with　pride　at　the　thought　of　what　I　was　redeeming　by　this　new　fault。

It　was　quite　natural；　Armand。　You　told　me　that　your　father　was　the　most　honest　man　in　the　world。

M。　Duval　returned　to　his　carriage；　and　set　out　for　Paris。

I　was　only　a　woman；　and　when　I　saw　you　again　I　could　not　help　weeping；　but　I　did　not　give　way。

Did　I　do　right？　That　is　what　I　ask　myself　to…day；　as　I　lie　ill　in　my　bed；　that　I　shall　never　leave；　perhaps；　until　I　am　dead。

You　are　witness　of　what　I　felt　as　the　hour　of　our　separation　approached；　your　father　was　no　longer　there　to　support　me；　and　there　was　a　moment　when　I　was　on　the　point　of　confessing　everything　to　you；　so　terrified　was　I　at　the　idea　that　you　were　going　to　bate　and　despise　me。

One　thing　which　you　will　not　believe；　perhaps；　Armand；　is　that　I　prayed　God　to　give　me　strength；　and　what　proves　that　he　accepted　my　sacrifice　is　that　he　gave　me　the　strength　for　which　I　prayed。

At　supper　I　still　had　need　of　aid；　for　I　could　not　think　of　what　I　was　going　to　do；　so　much　did　I　fear　that　my　courage　would　fail　me。　Who　would　ever　have　said　that　I；　Marguerite　Gautier；　would　have　suffered　so　at　the　mere　thought　of　a　new　lover？　I　drank　for　forgetfulness；　and　when　I　woke　next　day　I　was　beside　the　count。

That　is　the　whole　truth；　friend。　judge　me　and　pardon　me；　as　I　have　pardoned　you　for　all　the　wrong　that　you　have　done　me　since　that　day。



Chapter　26

What　followed　that　fatal　night　you　know　as　well　as　I；　but　what　you　can　not　know；　what　you　can　not　suspect；　is　what　I　have　suffered　since　our　separation。

I　heard　that　your　father　had　taken　you　away　with　him；　but　I　felt　sure　that　you　could　not　live　away　from　me　for　long；　and　when　I　met　you　in　the　Champs…Elysees；　I　was　a　little　upset；　but　by　no　means　surprised。

Then　began　that　series　of　days；　each　of　them　brought　me　a　fresh　insult　from　you。　I　received　them　all　with　a　kind　of　joy；　for；　besides　proving　to　me　that　you　still　loved　me；　it　seemed　to　me　as　if　the　more　you　persecuted　me　the　more　I　should　be　raised　in　your　eyes　when　you　came　to　know　the　truth。

Do　not　wonder　at　my　joy　in　martyrdom；　Armand；　your　love　for　me　had　opened　my　heart　to　noble　enthusiasm。

Still；　I　was　not　so　strong　as　that　quite　at　once。

Between　the　time　of　the　sacrifice　made　for　you　and　the　time　of　your　return　a　long　while　elapsed；　during　which　I　was　obliged　to　have　recourse　to　physical　means　in　order　not　to　go　mad；　and　in　order　to　be　blinded　and　deafened　in　the　whirl　of　life　into　which　I　flung　myself。　Prudence　has　told　you　（has　she　not？）　how　I　went　to　all　the　fetes　and　balls　and　orgies。　I　had　a　sort　of　hope　that　I　should　kill　myself　by　all　these　excesses；　and　I　think　it　will　not　be　long　before　this　hope　is　realized。　My　health　naturally　got　worse　and　worse；　and　when　I　sent　Mme。　Duvernoy　to　ask　you　for　pity　I　was　utterly　worn　out；　body　and　soul。

I　will　not　remind　you；　Armand；　of　the　return　you　made　for　the　last　proof　of　love　that　I　gave　you；　and　of　the　outrage　by　which　you　drove　away　a　dying　woman；　who　could　not　resist　your　voice　when　you　asked　her　for　a　night　of　love；　and　who；　like　a　fool；　thought　for　one　instant　that　she　might　again　unite　the　past　with　the　present。　You　had　the　right　to　do　what　you　did；　Armand；　people　have　not　always　put　so　high　a　price　on　a　night　of　mine！

I　left　everything　after　that。　Olympe　has　taken　my　place　with　the　Comte　de　N。；　and　has　told　him；　I　hear；　the　reasons　for　my　leaving　him。　The　Comte　de　G。　was　at　London。　He　is　one　of　those　men　who　give　just　enough　importance　to　making　love　to　women　like　me　for　it　to　be　an　agreeable　pastime；　and　who　are　thus　able　to　remain　friends　with　women；　not　hating　them　because　they　have　never　been　jealous　of　them；　and　he　is；　too；　one　of　those　grand　seigneurs　who　open　only　a　part　of　their　hearts　to　us；　but　the　whole　of　their　purses。　It　was　of　him　that　I　immediately　thought。　I　joined　him　in　London。　He　received　me　as　kindly　as　possible；　but　he　was　the　lover　there　of　a　woman　in　society；　and　he　feared　to　compromise　himself　if　he　were　seen　with　me。　He　introduced　me　to　his　friends；　who　gave　a　supper　in　my　honour；　after　which　one　of　them　took　me　home　with　him。

What　else　was　there　for　me　to　do；　my　friend？　If　I　had　killed　myself　it　would　have　burdened　your　life；　which　ought　to　be　happy；　with　a　needless　remorse；　and　then；　what　is　the　good　of　killing　oneself　when　one　is　so　near　dying　already？

I　became　a　body　without　a　soul；　a　thing　without　a　thought；　I　lived　for　some　time　in　that　automatic　way；　then　I　returned　to　Paris；　and　asked　after　you；　I　heard　then　that　you　were　gone　on　a　long　voyage。　There　was　nothing　left　to　hold　me　to　life。　My　existence　became　what　it　had　been　two　years　before　I　knew　you。　I　tried　to　win　back　the　duke；　but　I　had　offended　him　too　deeply。　Old　men　are　not　patient；　no　doubt　because　they　realize　that　they　are　not　eternal。　I　got　weaker　every　day。　I　was　pale　and　sad　and　thinner　than　ever。　Men　who　buy　love　examine　the　goods　before　taking　them。　At　Paris　there　were　women　in　better　health；　and　not　so　thin　as　I　was；　I　was　rather　forgotten。　That　is　all　the　past　up　to　yesterday。

Now　I　am　seriously　ill。　I　have　written　to　the　duke　to　ask　him　for　money；　for　I　have　none；　and　the　creditors　have　returned；　and　come　to　me　with　their　bills　with　pitiless　perseverance。　Will　the　duke　answer？　Why　are　you　not　in　Paris；　Armand？　You　would　come　and　see　me；　and　your　visits　would　do　me　good。

December　20。

The　weather　is　horrible；　it　is　snowing；　and　I　am　alone。　I　have　been　in