lh.narcissusinchains-第93部分

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　He'd　closed　himself　so　tight　that　I　couldn't　tell　what　he　was　feeling；　but　it　was　plain　on　his　face。　Pain。　His　eyes　held　some　deep　pain；　and　he'd　pulled　so　far　away　in　his　mind；　his　heart；　that　I　couldn't　tell　what　it　was；　only　that　it　hurt　him。
　〃So；　you　won't　be　here　tomorrow　morning　when　the　ardeur　es　again？〃　My　voice　sounded　almost　neutral　when　I　asked。
　He　shook　his　head；　all　that　heavy　hair　sliding　around　his　shoulders。　His　hand　was　on　the　doorknob；　his　body　turned　away　enough　that　he　hid　himself　from　me　as　much　as　he　could。　〃I　can't　do　this　again；　Anita。　For　God's　sake；　you　have　the　same　rule。　No　one　feeds　on　you　either。〃
　I　sat　up；　arms　wrapping　around　my　knees；　holding　them　tight　to　my　chest。　I　guess　I　was　covering　my　nakedness；　too。　〃You've　felt　the　ardeur　now；　Richard。　If　I　can't　feed　off　of　you；　then　who？　Who　do　you　want　me　to　share　this　with？〃
　〃Jean…Claude　。。。　〃　But　his　voice　dropped　off　before　he　could　finish。
　〃It's　a　little　after　noon　and　he's　still　dead　to　the　world。　He　won't　wake　in　tune　to　share　the　ardeur　with　me。〃
　His　hand　tightened　on　the　doorknob　hard　enough　for　me　to　see　the　muscles　in　his　arm　tense。　〃The　Nimir…Raj；　then。　I'm　told　you've　already　fed　on　him　once　anyway。〃
　〃I　don't　know　Micah　that　well；　Richard。〃　I　took　a　deep　breath　and　said；　〃I　don't　love　him；　Richard。　I　love　you。　I　want　you。〃
　〃You　want　to　feed　off　me？　You　want　me　to　be　your　cow？〃
　〃No；〃　I　said；　〃no。〃
　〃I　am　not　food；　Anita；　not　for　you　or　anyone　else。　I　am　Ulfric　of　the　Thronnos　Rokke　Clan；　and　I　am　not　cattle。　I　am　the　thing　that　eats　the　cattle。〃
　〃If　you　had　shifted；　then　you　could　have　blocked　the　ardeur；　kept　me　from　feeding；　why　didn't　you？〃
　He　leaned　his　forehead　against　the　door。　〃I　don't　know。〃
　〃Honesty；　Richard；　at　least　with　yourself。〃
　He　turned　then；　and　his　anger　flared　across　my　skin　like　a　whip。　〃You　want　honesty；　fine；　we　can　have　honesty。　I　hate　what　I　am。　I　want　a　life；　Anita。　I　want　a　real　life。　I　want　free　of　all　this　shit。　I　don't　want　to　be　Ulfric。　I　don't　want　to　be　a　werewolf。　I　just　want　a　life。〃
　〃You　have　a　life；　Richard；　it's　just　not　the　life　you　thought　it　would　be。〃
　〃And　I　don't　want　to　love　someone　who　is　more　at　home　with　the　monsters　than　I　am。〃
　I　just　looked　at　him；　hugging　my　knees　to　my　bare　chest；　my　back　pressed　up　against　the　bed。　I　looked　at　him；　because　I　couldn't　think　of　a　damned　thing　to　say。
　〃I'm　sorry；　Anita；　but　I　can't　。。。　won't　do　this。〃　He　opened　the　door　then。　He　opened　the　door；　and　he　walked　out；　closing　it　behind　him。　The　door　closed　with　a　soft；　firm　click。　I　sat　there　for　a　few　seconds　not　moving。　I　don't　even　think　I　was　breathing；　then　slowly　the　tears　squeezed　out；　and　my　first　breath　was　a　ragged　gasp　that　hurt　my　throat。　I　rolled　slowly　to　the　floor；　lying　in　a　tight；　tight　ball。　I　lay　on　the　floor　and　cried　until　I　was　cold　and　shivering。
　That's　how　Nathaniel　found　me。　He　pulled　the　blanket　from　the　bed　and　wrapped　it　around　me；　picked　me　up；　and　climbed　onto　the　bed　with　me　in　his　arms。　He　held　me　in　the　curve　of　his　body；　spooned　against　me；　and　I　couldn't　feel　him　through　the　thick　blanket。　He　held　me　and　stroked　my　hair。　I　felt　the　bed　move　and　opened　my　eyes　to　find　Cherry　and　Zane　crawling　around　me。　They　touched　my　face；　took　my　tears　with　the　tips　of　their　fingers；　and　curled　around　me　on　the　other　side　until　I　was　cupped　in　their　warmth。
　Gregory　and　Vivian　came　next　and　climbed　onto　the　bed　until　we　all　lay　in　a　warm；　thick　nest　of　bodies　and　covers。　And　I　was　hot　and　had　to　peel　the　blanket　back；　and　their　hands　spilled　over　me；　touching；　holding。　I　realized　that　I　was　still　naked　and　so　were　they。　No　one　ever　put　on　clothes　unless　I　made　them。　But　the　touching　wasn't　sexual；　it　was　fort；　the　warm　pile　of　puppies　and　everyone　in　that　pile　loved　me　in　their　way。　Maybe　it　wasn't　the　way　I　wanted　to　be　loved；　but　love　is　love　and　sometimes　I　think　I'd　thrown　away　more　love　than　most　people　ever　get　a　chance　at。　I　was　trying　to　be　more　careful　lately。
　They　held　me　until　I　fell　asleep；　exhausted　with　crying；　skin　hot。　But　down　in　the　center　of　my　being　was　a　cold；　icy　spot　that　they　couldn't　touch。　It　was　the　place　where　I　loved　Richard；　had　always　loved　Richard；　almost　from　the　first　time　I'd　seen　him。　But　he　was　right　on　one　thing。　We　couldn't　keep　doing　this。　I　wouldn't　keep　doing　this。　It　was　over。　It　had　to　be　over。　He　hated　what　he　was；　and　now　he　hated　what　I　was。　He　said　he　wanted　someone　that　he　wouldn't　have　to　worry　about　hurting；　and　he　did　want　that；　but　he　also　wanted　someone　human；　ordinary。　He　couldn't　have　both；　but　that　didn't　keep　him　from　wanting　both。　I　couldn't　be　ordinary；　and　I　wasn't　sure　I'd　ever　been　human。　I　couldn't　be　what　Richard　wanted　me　to　be；　and　he　couldn't　stop　wanting　it。　Richard　was　a　riddle　with　no　answer；　and　I　was　tired　of　playing　a　game　I　couldn't　win。
　
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　I　SLEPT　LIKE　I　was　drugged；　heavy；　with　harsh；　fragmented　dreams；　or　nothingness。　I　don't　know　when　I　would　have　woken；　but　someone　was　licking　my　cheek。　If　they'd　shaken　me　or　called　my　name；　I　might　have　been　able　to　ignore　it；　but　someone　was　licking　my　cheek　in　long　languorous　movements　that　I　couldn't　ignore。
　I　opened　my　eyes　and　found　Cherry's　face　so　close　I　couldn't　focus　on　it。　She　moved　back　just　enough　so　I　wouldn't　feel　cross…eyed　looking　at　her；　then　said；　〃You　were　having　a　nightmare。　I　thought　we　should　wake　you。〃
　Her　voice　was　neutral；　her　face　blank；　cheerful　in　an　anonymous　sort　of　way。　It　was　her　nurse　face；　cheerful；　forting；　telling　you　nothing。　The　fact　that　she　was　naked；　lying　on　her　side；　propped　up　on　one　elbow　so　that　her　body　showed　in　one　long　line　didn't　seem　to　distract　from　her　professionalism。　I　could　never　pull　that　off　naked。　No　matter　what　else　was　happening　I　was　always　aware　that　I　didn't　have　clothes　on。
　〃I　don't　remember　what　I　was　dreaming；〃　I　said。　I　raised　a　hand　to　smooth　the　wetness　along　my　cheek。
　〃You　taste　salty　from　all　the　crying；〃　she　said。
　The　bed　moved；　and　Zane　peeked　around　my　other　shoulder。　〃Can　I　lick　the　other　cheek？〃
　It　made　me　laugh；　and　that　was　almost　miracle　enough　to　let　him　do　it；　almost。　I　sat　up　and　instantly　regretted　it。　My　whole　body　felt　stiff　and　abused；　aching；　as　if　I'd　been　beaten。　Hell；　I'd　felt　better　after　some　of　the　beatings　I'd　taken　over　the　years。　I　hugged　the　blanket　to　me；　partially　to　cover　my　nakedness；　partially　because　I　was　cold。
　I　leaned　against　the　head　of　the　bed；　frowning。　〃You　said　nightmare。　What　time　is　it？〃
　〃About　five；〃　Cherry　said。　〃I　could　say　daymare；　if　you　like；　but　either　way；　you　were　　〃　she　hesitated　　〃whimpering　in　your　sleep。〃
　I　hugged　the　blanket　tighter。　〃I　don't　remember。〃
　She　sat　up；　patting　my　knee　under　the　blanket。　〃Are　you　hungry？〃
　I　shook　my　head。
　She　and　Zane　exchanged　one　of　those　looks　that　say　just　how　worried　about　you　people　are。　It　made　me　angry。
　〃Look；　I'm　okay。〃
　They　both　looked　at　me。
　I　frowned　at　them。　〃I'll　be　okay；　alright。〃
　They　didn't　look　convinced。
　〃I　need　to　get　dressed。〃
　They　both　just　lay　there　staring　at　me。
　〃Which　means　get　out　and　give　me　some　space。〃
　They　exchanged　another　of　those　looks；　which　bugged　me；　but　at　a　nod　from　Cherry；　they　both　got　up　off　the　bed　and　went　for　the　door。　〃And　put　some　clothes　on；〃　I　said。
　〃If　it'll　make　you　feel　better；〃　Cherry　said。
　〃It　will；〃　I　said。
　Zane　gave　a　little　salute。　〃Your　wish　is　our　mand。〃
　That　was　actually　a　little　too　close　to　the　truth；　but　I　let　it　go。　When　they　were　gone；　I　picked　out　some　clothes；　some　weapons；　and　made　it　to　the　bathroom　without　seeing　anyone。　I　wouldn't　have　put　it　past　Cherry　to　make　sure　I　had　a　clear　shot　to　the　bathroom。　They　were　managing　me；　but　this　morning；　make　that　afternoon；　I　didn't　care　enough　to　plain。
　I　was　as　quick　in　the　bathroom　as　I　could　be；　and　for　some　reason　I　didn't　like　looking　in　the　mirror。　I　was　trying　not　to　think；　and　seeing　my　eyes　staring　back　at　me　like　those　of　a　shock　victim　made　it　hard　not　to　think　about　why　I　looked　so　pale；　so　shell…shocked。
　I　put　on　my　usual　black　undies　and　matching　bra。　It　was　getting　to　the　point　where　I　didn't　own　a　white　bra。　Jean…Claude's　fault。　Black　jogging　socks；　black　jeans；　black　polo　shirt；　shoulder　rig；　plete　with　Browning　Hi…Power；　the　Firestar　in　its　interpants　holster　in　front　almost　lost　against　the　black　shirt。　I　even　added　the　wrist　sheaths　and　the　two　silver　knives。　I　didn't　need　this　much　firepower　for　walking　around　the　house；　especially　with　so　many　shapeshifters　running　around；　but　I　was　feeling　shaky；　as　if　my　world　was　less　solid　today　than　yesterday。　I'd　always　thought　that　Richard　and　I　would　work　something　out。　I　wasn't　sure　what；　but　something。　Now；　I　didn't　believe　that。　We　weren't　going　to　work　anything　out。　We　weren't　going　to　be　anything；　except　the　bare　minimum　to　each　other。　I　wasn't　even　sure　his　invitation　to　be　B？lverk　was　still　on　the　table。　I　hoped　so。　I　could　lose　him　as　my　lover；　but　I　couldn't　let　him　send　the　pack　to　rack　and　ruin。　If　he　didn't　cooperate；　I　wasn't　sure　how　I　was　going　to　stop　it；　but　that　was　a　problem　for　another　day。　Today　my　goal　was　just　to　survive；　just　to　get　through　the　day。　I　huddled　my　weapons　around　me　like　fo