lhamilton.thekillingdance-第6部分

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　Richard　pulled　out　onto　270　South。　Friday　night　traffic　spilled　around　us　in　a　bright　sparkle　of　lights。　Everybody　out　trying　to　enjoy　the　weekend。　I　wondered　how　many　of　them　had　assassins　after　them。　I　was　betting　I　was　one　of　the　few。
　〃You're　quiet；〃　Richard　said。
　〃Yeah。〃
　〃I　won't　ask　what　you're　thinking　about。　I　can　guess。〃
　I　looked　at　him。　The　darkness　of　the　car　wrapped　around　us。　Cars　at　night　are　like　your　own　private　world；　hushed　and　dark；　intimate。　The　lights　of　oning　traffic　swept　over　his　face；　highlighting　it；　then　leaving　us　in　darkness。
　〃How　do　you　know　I'm　not　thinking　about　what　you'd　look　like　without　your　clothes　on？〃
　He　flashed　me　a　grin。　〃Tease。〃
　I　smiled。　〃Sorry。　No　sexual　innuendo　unless　I'm　willing　to　jump　your　bones。〃
　〃That's　your　rule；　not　mine；〃　Richard　said。　〃I'm　a　big　boy。　Give　me　all　the　sexual　innuendo　you　want；　I　can　take　it。〃
　〃If　I'm　not　going　to　sleep　with　you；　it　doesn't　seem　fair。〃
　〃Let　me　worry　about　that；〃　he　said。
　〃Why；　Mr。　Zeeman；　are　you　inviting　me　to　make　sexual　overtures　to　you？〃
　His　smile　widened；　a　whiteness　in　the　dark。　〃Oh；　please。〃
　I　leaned　toward　him　as　far　as　the　seat　belt　would　allow；　putting　a　hand　on　the　back　of　his　seat；　putting　my　face　inches　from　the　smooth　expanse　of　his　neck。　I　took　a　deep　breath　in　and　let　it　out；　slowly；　so　close　to　his　skin　that　my　own　breath　came　back　to　me　like　a　warm　cloud。　I　kissed　the　bend　of　his　neck；　running　my　lips　lightly　up　and　down　the　skin。
　Richard　made　a　small；　contented　sound。
　I　curled　my　knees　into　my　seat；　straining　against　the　seat　belt　so　I　could　kiss　the　big　pulse　in　his　neck；　the　curve　of　his　jaw。　He　turned　his　face　into　me。　We　kissed；　but　my　nerves　weren't　that　good。　I　turned　his　face　away。　〃You　watch　the　road。〃
　He　shifted　gears；　his　upper　arm　brushing　against　my　breasts。　I　sighed　against　him；　putting　my　hand　over　his；　holding　it　on　the　gear　shift；　keeping　his　arm　pressed　against　me。
　We　stayed　frozen　for　a　second；　then　he　moved　against　me；　rubbing。　I　scooted　out　from　under　his　arm；　settling　back　into　my　seat。　I　couldn't　breathe　past　the　pulse　in　my　throat。　I　shivered；　hugging　myself。　The　feel　of　his　body　against　mine　made　places　all　over　my　body　tighten。
　〃What's　wrong？〃　he　said；　his　voice　low　and　soft。
　I　shook　my　head。　〃We　can't　keep　doing　this。〃
　〃If　you　stopped　because　of　me；　I　was　enjoying　myself。〃
　〃So　was　I。　That's　the　problem；〃　I　said。
　Richard　took　in　a　deep　breath　and　let　it　out；　sighing。　〃It's　only　a　problem　because　you　make　it　one；　Anita。〃
　〃Yeah；　right。〃
　〃Marry　me；　Anita；　and　all　this　can　be　yours。〃
　〃I　don't　want　to　marry　you　just　so　I　can　sleep　with　you。〃
　〃If　it　was　only　sex；　I　wouldn't　want　you　to　marry　me；〃　Richard　said。　〃But　it's　cuddling　on　the　couch；　watching　Singing　in　the　Rain。　It's　eating　Chinese　and　knowing　to　get　that　extra　order　of　crab　Rangoon。　I　can　order　for　both　of　us　at　most　of　the　restaurants　in　town。〃
　〃Are　you　saying　I'm　predictable？〃
　〃Don't　do　that。　Don't　belittle　it；〃　he　said。
　I　sighed。　〃I'm　sorry；　Richard。　I　didn't　mean　to。　I　just　。　。　。〃
　I　didn't　know　what　to　say　because　he　was　right。　My　day　was　more　plete　for　having　been　shared　with　Richard。　I　bought　him　a　mug　that　I　just　happened　to　see　in　a　store。　It　had　wolves　on　it；　and　said；　〃In　God's　wildness　lies　the　hope　of　the　world…the　great　fresh；　unblighted；　unredeemed　wilderness。〃　It　was　a　quote　from　John　Muir。　No　special　occasion；　just　saw　it；　knew　Richard　would　like　it；　bought　it。　A　dozen　times　a　day　I'd　hear　something　on　the　radio　or　in　conversation；　and　I'd　think；　I　must　remember　and　tell　Richard。　It　was　Richard　who　took　me　on　my　first　bird…watching　trip　since　college。
　I　had　a　degree　in　biology；　preternatural　biology。　Once　I'd　thought　I'd　spend　my　life　as　a　field　biologist　like　a　preternatural　version　of　Jane　Goodall。　I'd　enjoyed　the　bird…watching；　partly　because　he　was　with　me；　partly　because　I'd　enjoyed　it　years　ago。　It　was　like　I'd　forgotten　that　there　was　life　outside　of　a　gun　barrel　or　a　grave　side。　I'd　been　neck　deep　in　blood　and　death　so　long；　then　Richard　came　along。　Richard　who　was　also　neck　deep　in　strange　stuff；　but　who　managed　to　have　a　life。
　I　couldn't　think　of　anything　better　than　waking　up　beside　him；　reaching　for　his　body　first　thing　in　the　morning；　knowing　I'd　be　ing　home　to　him。　Listening　to　his　collection　of　Rodgers　and　Hammerstein；　watching　his　face　while　he　watched　Gene　Kelly　musicals。
　I　almost　opened　my　mouth　and　said；　let's　do　it；　let's　get　married；　but　I　didn't。　I　loved　Richard；　I　could　admit　that　to　myself；　but　it　wasn't　enough。　There　was　an　assassin　after　me。　How　could　I　involve　a　mild…mannered　junior　high　teacher　in　that　kind　of　life？　He　was　one　of　the　monsters；　but　he　didn't　accept　it。　He　was　in　a　battle　for　leadership　of　the　local　werewolf　pack。　He'd　beaten　the　current　pack　leader；　Marcus；　twice；　and　twice　refused　the　kill。　If　you　didn't　kill；　you　didn't　get　to　be　leader。　Richard　clung　to　his　morals。　Clung　to　values　that　only　worked　when　people　weren't　trying　to　kill　you。　If　I　married　him；　his　chance　at　any　kind　of　normal　life　was　gone。　I　lived　in　a　sort　of　free…fire　zone。　Richard　deserved　better。
　Jean…Claude　lived　in　the　same　world　that　I　did。　He　had　no　illusions　about　the　kindness　of　strangers；　or　anyone　else　for　that　matter。　The　vampire　wouldn't　he　shocked　at　the　news　of　an　assassin。　He'd　simply　help　me　plan　what　to　do　about　it。　It　wouldn't　throw　him；　or　not　much。　There　were　nights　when　I　thought　that　Jean…Claude　and　I　deserved　each　other。
　Richard　turned　off　onto　Olive。　We　were　soon　going　to　be　at　my　apartment；　and　the　silence　was　getting　a　little　thick。　Silences　don't　usually　bother　me；　but　this　one　did。　〃I'm　sorry；　Richard。　I　am　truly　sorry。〃
　〃If　I　didn't　know　you　loved　me；　this　would　be　easier；〃　he　said。　〃If　it　wasn't　for　that　damned　vampire；　you'd　marry　me。〃
　〃That　damn　vampire　introduced　us；〃　I　said。
　〃And　he's　regretting　it；　don't　think　he　isn't；〃　Richard　said。
　I　looked　at　him。　〃How　do　you　know　that？〃
　He　shook　his　head。　〃All　you　have　to　do　is　see　his　face　when　we're　together。　I　may　not　like　Jean…Claude；　and　I　hate　the　thought　of　you　with　him；　but　we　aren't　the　only　two　hurting　here。　It's　a　threesome；　don't　think　it's　not。〃
　I　huddled　in　my　seat；　suddenly　miserable。　I'd　have　almost　weled　a　hit　man　appearing　out　of　the　darkness。　Killing　I　understood。　Relationships　confused　me。　Admittedly；　this　relationship　was　more　confusing　than　most。
　Richard　turned　into　the　parking　lot　of　my　apartment　building。　He　parked　the　car　and　turned　off　the　engine。　We　sat　there　in　the　dark；　the　only　illumination　the　distant　glow　of　a　street　light。
　〃I　don't　know　what　to　say；　Richard。〃　I　stared　out　through　the　windshield；　concentrating　on　the　side　of　the　building；　too　cowardly　to　look　at　him　while　I　talked。　〃I　wouldn't　blame　you　for　just　saying　to　hell　with　it。　I　wouldn't　put　up　with　this　kind　of　indecision　from　you；　and　I　wouldn't　share　you　with　another　woman。〃　I　finally　looked　at　him。　He　was　staring　straight　ahead；　not　looking　at　me。
　My　heart　sped　up。　If　I　was　truly　as　brave　as　I　thought　I　was；　I'd　have　let　him　go。　But　I　loved　him；　and　I　wasn't　that　brave。　The　best　I　could　do　was　not　sleep　with　him。　Not　take　the　relationship　that　next　step　forward。　That　was　hard　enough。　Even　my　self…control　wasn't　limitless。　If　we'd　been　planning　a　wedding；　I　could　have　waited。　With　an　end　in　sight；　my　self…control　would　have　appeared　endless；　but　there　was　no　end　in　sight。　Chastity　works　better　if　you　don't　keep　testing　it　quite　so　often。
　I　unbuckled　the　seat　belt；　unlocked　and　opened　the　door。　Richard　touched　my　shoulder　before　I　could　get　out。　〃Aren't　you　going　to　invite　me　up？〃
　I　let　out　a　breath　I　hadn't　realized　I　was　holding　and　turned　back　to　him。　〃Do　you　want　to　be　invited　up？〃
　He　nodded。
　〃I　don't　know　why　you　put　up　with　me；〃　I　said。
　He　smiled。　He　leaned　into　me；　a　light　brush　of　lips。　〃Sometimes　I'm　not　sure；　myself。〃
　We　got　out。　Richard　held　his　hand　out　to　me；　and　I　took　it。
　A　car　pulled　in　behind　us；　beside　my　own　Jeep。　It　was　my　neighbor；　Mrs。　Pringle。　She　had　a　huge　television　box　tied　into　her　trunk。
　We　walked　to　the　sidewalk　and　waited　for　her　to　get　out。　She　was　a　tall　woman；　stretched　almost　painfully　thin　with　age。　Her　snow　white　hair　was　done　in　a　bun　at　the　back　of　her　head。　Custard；　her　Pomeranian；　jumped　out　of　the　car　and　stood　yapping　at　us。　He　looked　like　a　golden　powder　puff　with　little　cat　feet。　He　bounced　forward　on　stiff　legs。　He　sniffed　Richard's　foot　and　looked　up　at　him　with　a　small　growl。
　Mrs。　Pringle　tugged　on　his　leash。　〃Custard；　behave　yourself。〃
　The　dog　quieted；　but　I　think　it　was　more　Richard's　steady　glare　than　Mrs。　Pringle's　admonishments。　She　smiled　at　us。　She　had　the　same　light　in　her　eyes　that　Catherine　had　had。　She　liked　Richard　and　made　no　bones　about　it。
　〃Well；　now；　this　is　advantageous。　I　need　some　strong　young　arms　to　carry　that　monstrous　television　up　the　stairs　for　me。〃
　Richard　smiled　at　her。　〃Happy　to　oblige。〃　He　walked　around　to　the　trunk　and　started　trying　to　undo　the　knots。
　〃What'd　you　do　with　Custard　while　you　shopped？〃　I　asked。
　〃I　carried　him　with　me。　I've　spent　a　great　deal　of　money　at　that　store　before。　The　salesmen　fairly　salivate　whe