lhamilton.thekillingdance-第15部分

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　〃What's　the　penalty　for　mutiny？〃
　〃Death　or　mutilation。〃
　〃I　thought　you　guys　could　heal　anything　short　of　a　death　wound。〃
　〃Not　if　you　shove　burning　metal　into　it。　Fire　purifies　and　stops　the　healing　process；　unless　you　reopen　the　wound。〃
　〃It　works　that　way　with　vampires；　too；〃　I　said。
　〃I　didn't　know　that；〃　he　said；　but　not　like　he　really　cared。
　〃How　have　you　risen　to　next　in　line　to　lead　and　not　killed　anyone？　You　had　to　fight　a　lot　of　duels　to　get　to　the　top　of　the　heap。〃
　〃Only　the　fight　for　Ulfric　has　to　be　to　the　death。　All　I　had　to　do　was　beat　them　all。〃
　〃Which　is　why　you　take　karate　and　lift　weights；　so　you'll　be　good　enough　to　beat　them。〃　We'd　had　this　discussion　before　when　I　asked　if　lifting　weights　when　you　could　bench　press　a　small　car　was　redundant。　He'd　replied；　not　if　everyone　you're　fighting　can　lift　a　car；　too。　He　had　a　point。
　〃Yes。〃
　〃But　if　you　won't　kill；　then　your　threat　doesn't　have　much　bite；　no　pun　intended。〃
　〃We're　not　animals；　Anita。　Just　because　this　is　the　way　it's　always　been　in　the　pack　doesn't　mean　things　can't　change。　We　are　still　people；　and　that　means　we　can　control　ourselves。　Dammit；　there　has　to　be　a　better　way　than　slaughtering　each　other。〃
　I　shook　my　head。　〃Don't　blame　it　on　the　animals。　Real　wolves　don't　kill　each　other　for　dominance。〃
　〃Only　werewolves；〃　he　said。　He　sounded　tired。
　〃I　admire　your　goals；　Richard。〃
　〃But　you　don't　agree。〃
　〃No；　I　don't　agree。〃
　His　voice　came　from　the　darkness　out　of　the　backseat。　〃Stephen　doesn't　have　any　wounds。　Why　was　he　screaming？〃
　My　shoulders　hunched；　and　I　made　myself　sit　up　straight。　I　turned　onto　Old　Highway　21；　and　tried　to　think　of　a　delicate　way　to　tell　him；　but　there　was　nothing　delicate　about　rape。　I　told　him　what　I'd　seen。
　The　silence　from　the　backseat　lasted　a　very　long　time。　I　was　almost　to　the　turnoff　for　his　house　when　he　said；　〃And　you　think　if　I'd　killed　a　few　people　along　the　way；　this　wouldn't　have　happened？〃
　〃I　think　they're　more　afraid　of　Raina　and　Marcus　than　they　are　of　you；　so　yeah。〃
　〃If　you　back　my　threat　with　killing；　it　undermines　everything　I've　tried　to　do。〃
　〃I　love　you；　Richard；　and　I　admire　what　you're　trying　to　do。　I　don't　want　to　undermine　you；　but　if　they　touch　Stephen　again；　I'll　do　what　I　said　I'd　do。　I'll　kill　them。〃
　〃They're　my　people；　Anita。　I　don't　want　them　dead。〃
　〃They're　not　your　people；　Richard。　They're　just　a　bunch　of　strangers　that　happen　to　share　your　disease。　Stephen　is　your　people。　Every　shapeshifter　who　threw　their　support　to　you　and　risked　Marcus's　anger；　they're　your　people。　They've　risked　everything　for　you；　Richard。〃
　〃When　Stephen　joined　the　pack；　I　was　the　one　who　told　Raina　she　couldn't　have　him。　I've　always　stood　by　him。〃
　〃Your　intentions　are　good；　Richard；　but　they　didn't　keep　him　safe　tonight。〃
　〃If　I　let　you　kill　for　me；　Anita；　it's　the　same　as　doing　it　myself。〃
　〃I　didn't　ask　your　permission；　Richard。〃
　He　leaned　on　the　back　of　the　seat；　and　I　realized　he　wasn't　wearing　his　seat　belt。　I　started　to　tell　him　to　put　it　on；　but　didn't。　It　was　his　car；　and　he　could　survive　a　trip　through　the　windshield。　〃You　mean　if　they　take　Stephen　again；　you'll　kill　them　because　you　said　you'd　kill　them；　not　for　me。〃
　〃A　threat's　not　worth　anything　if　you　aren't　willing　to　back　it　up；〃　I　said。
　〃You'd　kill　for　Stephen。　Why？　Because　he　saved　your　life？〃
　I　shook　my　head。　It　was　hard　to　explain。　〃Not　just　that。　When　I　saw　him　tonight；　what　they　were　doing　to　him　。　。　。　He　was　crying；　Richard。　He　was　。　。　。　Oh；　hell；　Richard；　he's　mine　now。　There　are　a　handful　of　people　that　I'd　kill　for；　kill　to　keep　safe；　kill　to　revenge。　Stephen's　name　got　added　to　the　list　tonight。〃
　〃Is　my　name　on　the　list？〃　he　asked。　He　rested　his　chin　on　my　shoulder　over　the　seat。　He　rubbed　his　cheek　on　my　face　and　I　could　feel　a　faint　beard　stubble；　scratchy　and　real。
　〃You　know　it　is。〃
　〃I　don't　understand　how　you　can　talk　about　killing　so　casually。〃
　〃I　know。〃
　〃My　bid　for　Ulfric　would　be　stronger　if　I　were　willing　to　kill；　but　I'm　not　sure　it　would　be　worth　it。〃
　〃If　you　want　to　martyr　yourself　for　high　ideals；　fine。　I　don't　like　it；　but　fine。　But　don't　martyr　the　people　who　trust　you。　They're　worth　more　than　any　set　of　ideals。　You　nearly　got　yourself　killed　tonight。〃
　〃You　don't　just　believe　in　something　when　it's　easy；　Anita。　Killing　is　wrong。〃
　〃Fine；〃　I　said；　〃but　you　also　nearly　got　me　killed　tonight。　Do　you　understand　that？　If　they　had　rushed　us；　I　wouldn't　have　made　it　out。　I　will　not　go　down　in　flames　because　you　want　to　play　Gandhi。〃
　〃You　can　stay　home　next　time。〃
　〃Dammit；　that　isn't　what　I'm　saying；　and　you　know　it。　You're　trying　to　live　in　some　Ozzie　and　Harriet　world；　Richard。　Maybe　life　used　to　work　like　that；　but　it　doesn't　anymore。　If　you　don't　give　up　on　this；　you're　going　to　get　killed。〃
　〃If　I　really　thought　I　had　to　bee　a　murderer　to　survive；　I　think　I'd　rather　not　survive。〃
　I　glanced　at　him。　His　expression　was　peaceful；　like　a　saint。　But　you　only　got　to　be　a　saint　if　you　died。　I　looked　back　at　the　road。　I　could　give　Richard　up；　but　if　I　left　him；　he　was　going　to　end　up　dead。　He'd　have　gone　in　there　tonight　without　anyone；　and　he　wouldn't　have　made　it　out。
　Tears　burned　at　the　back　of　my　eyes。　〃I　don't　know　if　I'd　survive　it　if　you　died　on　me；　Richard。　Doesn't　that　mean　anything　to　you？〃
　He　kissed　my　cheek；　and　something　warm　and　liquid　seeped　down　my　neck。　〃I　love　you；　too。〃
　They　were　only　words。　He　was　going　to　get　killed　on　me。　He　was　going　to　do　everything　short　of　suicide。　〃You're　bleeding　on　me；〃　I　said。
　He　sighed　and　leaned　back　into　the　darkness。　〃I'm　bleeding　a　lot。　Too　bad　Jean…Claude　isn't　here　to　lick　it　up。〃　He　made　a　bitter　sound　low　in　his　throat。
　〃Do　you　need　a　doctor？〃
　〃Get　me　home；　Anita。　If　I　need　a　doctor；　I　know　a　wererat　that　makes　house　calls。〃　He　sounded　tired；　weary；　as　if　he　didn't　want　to　talk　anymore。　Not　about　the　wounds；　or　the　pack；　or　his　high　ideals。　I　let　the　silence　grow　and　didn't　know　how　to　break　it。　A　soft　sound　filled　the　quiet　dark；　and　I　realized　that　Richard　was　crying。　He　whispered；　〃I'm　sorry；　Stephen。　I　am　so　sorry。〃
　I　didn't　say　anything　because　I　didn't　have　anything　good　to　say。　Just　lately　I　had　noticed　that　I　could　kill　people　and　not　blink。　No　attack　of　conscience；　no　nightmares；　nothing。　It　was　like　some　part　of　me　had　turned　off。　It　didn't　bother　me　that　I　was　able　to　kill　so　easily。　It　did　bother　me　that　it　didn't　bother　me。　But　it　had　its　uses；　like　tonight。　I　think　every　last　furry　one　of　them　had　believed　I'd　do　it。　Sometimes；　it　was　good　to　be　scary。
　
　
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　It　was　4：40　in　the　morning　when　Richard　carried　the　still　unconscious　Stephen　into　his　bedroom。　Blood　had　dried　the　back　of　Richard's　shirt　to　his　skin。　〃Go　to　bed；　Anita。　I'll　take　care　of　Stephen。〃
　〃I　need　to　look　at　your　wounds；〃　I　said。
　〃I'　m　all　right。〃
　〃Richard　。　。　。〃
　He　looked　at　me；　half　of　his　face　covered　in　dried　blood；　his　eyes　almost　wild。　〃No；　Anita；　I　don't　want　your　help。　I　don't　need　it。〃
　I　took　in　a　deep　breath　through　my　nose　and　let　it　out。　〃Okay；　have　it　your　way。〃
　I　expected　him　to　apologize　for　snapping　at　me；　but　he　didn't。　He　just　walked　into　the　other　room　and　closed　the　door。　I　stood　there　in　the　living　room　for　a　minute；　not　sure　what　to　do。　I'd　hurt　his　feelings；　maybe　even　offended　his　sense　of　male　honor。　Fuck　it。　If　he　couldn't　take　the　truth；　fuck　him。　People's　lives　were　at　stake。　I　couldn't　give　Richard　forting　lies　when　it　could　get　people　killed。
　I　went　into　the　guest　room；　locked　the　door；　and　went　to　bed。　I　put　on　an　oversized　T…shirt　with　a　caricature　of　Arthur　Conan　Doyle　on　it。　I'd　packed　something　a　little　sexier。　Yes；　I　admit　it。　I　could　have　saved　myself　the　trouble。　The　Firestar　was　lumpy　under　the　pillow。　The　machine　gun　went　under　the　bed　within　reach。　I　laid　an　extra　clip　beside　it。　Never　thought　I'd　need　that　much　firepower；　but　between　assassination　attempts　and　packs　of　werewolves；　I　was　beginning　to　feel　a　little　insecure。
　When　I　shoved　the　silver　knives　half　under　the　mattress　so　I　could　get　to　them　if　I　had　to；　I　realized　just　how　insecure　I　was　feeling。　But　I　left　the　knives　out。　Better　insecure　and　paranoid　than　dead。
　I　got　my　stuffed　toy　penguin；　Sigmund；　out　of　the　suitcase　and　cuddled　under　the　covers。　I'd　had　some　vague　idea　that　spending　the　night　at　Richard's　house　might　be　romantic。　Shows　how　much　I　knew。　We'd　had　three　fights　in　one　night；　a　record　even　for　me。　It　probably　wasn't　a　good　sign　for　the　longevity　of　the　relationship。　That　last　thought　made　my　chest　tight；　but　what　was　I　supposed　to　do？　Go　into　the　other　room　and　apologize？　Tell　him　he　was　right　when　he　wasn't？　Tell　him　it　was　okay　to　get　himself　killed　and　take　the　rest　of　us　down　with　him？　It　wasn't　okay。　It　wasn't　even　close　to　okay。　I　hugged　Sigmund　until　he　was　nearly　squeezed　in　two。　I　refused　to　cry。　Question：　Why　was　I　more　worried　about　losing　Richard　than　about　the　assassins？　Answer：　Killing　didn't　bother　me；　losing　Richard　did。　I　fell　asleep　holding　my　penguin　and　wondering　if　Richard　and　I　were　still　dating。　Who　would　keep　him　alive　if　I　wasn't　around？
　Something　woke　me。　I　blinked　up　into　the　dark　and　reached　und