brideshead+revisited-第36部分

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l　accounts　a　splendid　spectacle。　Sebastian　went　down　for　it　and　half…heartedly　suggested　my　ing　with　him；　I　refused　and　came　to　regret　my　refusal；　for　it　was　the　last　ball　of　its　kind　given　there；　the　last　of　a　splendid　series。
　　　　How　could　I　have　known？　There　seemed　time　for　everything　in　those　days；　the　world　was　open　to　be　explored　at　leisure。　I　was　so　full　of　Oxford　that　summer；　London　could　wait；　I　thought。
　　　　The　other　great　houses　belonged　to　kinsmen　or　to　childhood　friends　of　Julia's；　and　beside　s　them　there　were　countless　substantial　houses　in　the　squares　of　Mayfair　and　Belgravia；　alight　and　thronged；　one　or　other　of　them；　night　after　night。　Foreigners　returning　on　post　from　their　own　waste　lands　wrote　home　that　here　they　seemed　to　catch　a　glimpse　of　the　world　they　had　believed　lost　forever；　among　the　mud　and　wire；　and　through　those　halcyon　weeks　Julia　darted　and　shone；　part　of　the　sunshine　between　the　tress；　part　of　the　candle…light　in　the　mirror's　spectrum；　so　that　elderly　men　and　women　sitting　aside　with　their　memories；　saw　her　as　herself　the　blue…bird。　'　〃Bridey〃　Marchmain's　eldest　girl；'　they　said。　'Pity　he　can't　see　her　tonight。'
　　　　That　night　and　the　night　after；　wherever　she　went　always　in　her　own　little　circle　of　intimates；　she　brought　a　moment　of　Joy；　such　as　strikes　deep　to　the　heart　on　the　river's　bank　when　the　kingfisher　suddenly　flares　across　the　water。
　　　　This　was　the　creature；　neither　child　nor　woman；　that　drove　me　through　the　dusk　that　summer　evening；　untroubled　by　love；　taken　aback　by　the　power　of　her　own　beauty；　hesitating　on　the　cool　edge　of　life　one　who　had　suddenly　found　herself　armed；　unawares；　the　heroine　of　a　fairy　story　turning　over　in　her　hands　the　magic　ring；　she　had　only　to　stroke　it　with　her　fingertips　and　whisper　the　charmed　word；　for　the　earth　to　open　at　her　feet　and　belch　forth　her　titanic　servant；　the　fawning　monster　who　would　bring　her　whatever　she　asked。；　but　bring　it；　perhaps；　in　unwele　shape。
　　　　She　had　no　interest　in　me　that　evening；　the　jinn　rumbled　below　us　uncalled；　she　lived　apart　in　a　little　world；　within　a　little　world；　the　innermost　of　a　system　of　concentric　spheres；　like　the　ivory　balls　laboriously　carved　in　China；　a　little　problem　troubling　her　mind　…　little；　as　she　saw　it；　in　abstract　terms　and　symbols。　She　was　wondering　dispassionately　and　leagues　distant　from　reality；　whom　she　should　marry。　Thus　strategists　hesitate　over　the　map；　the　few　pins　and　lines　of　coloured　chalk；　contemplating　a　change　in　the　pins　and　lines；　a　matter　of　inches；　which　outside　the　room；　out　of　sight　of　the　studious　officers；　may　engulf　past；　present；　and　future　in　ruin　or　life。　She　was　a　symbol　to　herself　then；　lacking　the　life　of　both　child　and　women；　victory　and　defeat　were　changes　of　pin　and　line；　she　knew　nothing　of　war。
　　　　'If　only　one　lived　abroad；'　she　thought；　'where　these　things　are　arranged　between　parents　and　lawyers。'
　　　　To　be　married；　soon　and　splendidly；　was　the　aim　of　all　her　friends。　If　she　looked　further　than　the　wedding；　it　was　to　see　marriage　as　the　beginning　of　individual　existence；　the　skirmish　where　one　gained　one's　spurs；　from　which　one　set　out　on　the　true　quests　of　life。
　　　　She　outshone　by　far　all　the　girls　of　her　age；　but　she　knew　that；　in　that　little　world　within　a　world　which　she　inhabited；　there　were　certain　grave　disabilities　from　which　she　suffered。　On　the　sofas　against　the　wall　where　the　old　people　counted　up　the　points；　there　were　things　against　her。　There　was　the　scandal　of　her　father；　that　slight；　inherited　stain　upon　her　brightness　that　seemed　deepened　by　something　in　her　own　way　of　life　…　waywardness　and　wilfulness；　a　less　disciplined　habit　than　most　of　her　contemporaries；　but　for　that；　who　knows？。。。
　　　　One　subject　eclipsed　all　others　in　importance　for　the　ladies　along　the　wall；　who　would　the　young　princes　marry？　They　could　not　hope　for　purer　lineage　or　a　more　gracious　presence　than　Julia's；　but　there　was　this　faint　shadow　on　her　that　unfitted　her　for　the　highest　honours；　there　was　also　her　religion。
　　　　Nothing　could　have　been　further　from　Julia's　ambitions　than　a　royal　marriage。　She　knew；　or　thought　she　knew；　what　she　wanted　and　it　was　not　that。　But　wherever　she　turned；　it　seemed；　her　religion　stood　as　a　barrier　between　her　and　her　natural　goal。
　　　　As　it　seemed　to　her；　the　thing　was　a　dead　loss。　If　she　apostatized　now；　having　been　brought　up　in　the　Church；　she　would　go　to　hell；　while　the　Protestant　girls　of　her　acquaintance；　schooled　in　happy　ignorance；　could　marry　eldest　sons；　live　at　peace　with　their　world；　and　get　to　heaven　before　her。　There　could　be　no　eldest　son　for　her；　and　younger　sons　were　indelicate　things；　necessary；　but　not　to　be　much　spoken　of。　Younger　sons　had　none　of　the　privileges　of　obscurity；　it　was　their　plain　duty　to　remain　hidden　until　some　disaster　perchance　promoted　them　to　their　brother's　places；　and；　since　this　was　their　function；　it　was　desirable　that　they　should　keep　themselves　wholly　suitable　for　succession。　Perhaps　in　a　family　of　three　or　four　boys；　a　Catholic　might　get　the　youngest　without　opposition。　There　were　of　course　the　Catholics　themselves；　but　these　came　seldom　into　the　little　world　Julia　had　made　for　herself；　those　who　did　were　her　mother's　kinsmen；　who；　to　her；　seemed　grim　and　eccentric。　Of　the　dozen　or　so　rich　and　noble　Catholic　families；　none　at　that　time　had　an　heir　of　the　right　age。　Foreigners　…　there　were　many　among　her　mother's　family　…　were　tricky　about　money；　odd　in　their　ways；　and　a　sure　mark　of　failure　in　the　English　girl　who　wed　them。　What　was　there　left？
　　　　This　was　Julia's　problem　after　her　weeks　of　triumph　in　London。　She　knew　it　was　not　insurmountable。　There　must；　she　thought；　be　a　number　of　people　outside　her　own　world　who　were　well　qualified　to　be　drawn　into　it；　the　shame　was　that　she　must　seek　them。　Not　for　her　the　cruel；　delicate　luxury　of　choice；　the　indolent；　cat…and…mouse　pastimes　of　the　hearth…rug。　No　Penelope　she；　she　must　hunt　in　the　forest。
　　　　She　had　made　a　preposterous　little　picture　of　the　kind　of　man　who　would　do：　he　was　an　English　diplomat　of　great　but　not　very　virile　beauty；　now　abroad；　with　a　house　smaller　than　Brideshead；　nearer　to　London；　he　was　old；　thirty…two　or　…three；　and　had　been　recently　and　tragically　widowed；　Julia　thought　she　would　prefer　a　man　a　little　subdued　by　earlier　grief。　He　had　a　great　career　before　him　but　had　grown　listless　in　his　loneliness；　she　was　not　sure　he　was　not　in　danger　of　falling　into　the　hands　of　an　unscrupulous　foreign　adventuress；　he　needed　a　new　infusion　of　young　life　to　carry　him　to　the　Embassy　at　Paris。　While　professing　a　mild　agnosticism　himself　he　had　a　liking　for　the　shows　of　religion　and　was　perfectly　agreeable　to　having　his　children　brought　up　Catholic；　he　believed；　however　in　the　prudent　restriction　of　his　family　to　two　boys　and　a　girl；　fortably；　spaced　over　twelve　years；　and　did　not　demand；　as　a　Catholic　husband　might；　yearly　pregnancies。　He　had　twelve　thousand　a　year　above　his　pay；　and　no　near　relations。　Someone　like　that　would　do；　Julia　thought；　and　she　was　in　search　of　him　when　she　met　me　at　the　railway　station。　I　was　not　her　man。　She　told　me　as　much；　without　a　word；　when　she　took　the　cigarette　from　my　lips。
　　　　All　this　I　learned　about　Julia；　bit　by　bit；　as　one　does　learn　the　former　…　as　it　seems　at　the　time；　the　preparatory　…　life　of　a　woman　one　loves；　so　that　one　thinks　of　oneself　as　having　been　part　of　it；　directing　it　by　devious　ways；　towards　oneself。

　　　　Julia　left　Sebastian　and　me　at　Brideshead　and　went　to　stay　with　an　aunt；　Lady　Rossmon；　in　her　villa　at　Cap　Ferrat。　All　the　way　she　pondered　her　problem。　She　had　given　a　name　to　her　widower…diplomat；　she　called　him　〃Eustace〃；　and　from　that　moment　he　became　a　figure　of　fun　to　her；　a　little　interior；　inmunicable　joke；　so　that　when　at　last　such　a　man　did　cross　her　path　…　though　he　was　not　a　diplomat　but　a　wistful　major　in　the　Life　Guards　…　and　fall　in　love　with　her　and　offer　her　just　those　gifts　she　had　chosen；　she　sent　him　away　moodier　and　more　wistful　than　ever；　for　by　that　time　she　had　met　Rex　Mottram。
　　　　Rex's　age　was　greatly　in　his　favour；　for　among　Julia's　friends　there　was　a　kind　of　gerontophilic　snobbery；　young　men　were　held　to　be　gauche　and　pimply；　it　was　thought　very　much　more　chic　to　be　seen　lunching　alone　at　the　Ritz　…　a　thing；　in　any　case；　allowed　to　few　girls　of　that　day；　to　the　tiny　circle　of　Julia's　intimates；　a　thing　looked　at　askance　by　the　elders　who　kept　the　score；　chatting　pleasantly　against　the　walls　of　the　ballrooms　…　at　the　table　on　the　left　as　you　came　in；　with　a　starched　and　wrinkled　old　rou？whom　your　mother　had　be　warned　of　as　a　girl；　than　than　in　the　centre　of　the　room　with　a　party　of　exuberant　young　bloods。　Rex；　indeed；　was　neither　starched　nor　wrinkled；　his　seniors　thought　him　a　pushful　young　cad；　but　Julia　recognized　the　unmistakable　chic　…　the　flavour　of　'Max'　and　'F。　E。'　and　the　Prince　of　Wales；　of　the　big　table　in　the　Sporting　Club；　the　second　magnum；　and　the　fourth　cigar；　of　the　chauffeur　kept　waiting　hour　after　hour　without　punction　…　which　her　friends　would　envy。　His　social　position　was　unique；　it　had　an　air　of　mystery；　even　of　crime；　about　it；　people　said　Rex　went　about　armed。　Julia　and　her　friends　had　a　fascinated　abhorrence　of　what