the country doctor-第52部分

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　satisfied　to　the　full。　This　design　had　been　thwarted；　but　yet　another　way　had　remained　to　me；I　would　devote　myself　henceforward　to　my　child。　But　after　these　two　efforts　had　failed；　and　scorn　and　death　had　darkened　my　soul　for　ever；　when　all　my　feelings　had　been　wounded　and　nothing　was　left　to　me　here　on　earth；　I　raised　my　eyes　to　heaven；　and　beheld　God。

〃Yet　still　I　tried　to　obtain　the　sanction　of　religion　for　my　death。　I　went　carefully　through　the　Gospels；　and　found　no　passage　in　which　suicide　was　forbidden；　but　during　the　reading；　the　divine　thought　of　Christ；　the　Saviour　of　men　dawned　in　me。　Certainly　He　had　said　nothing　about　the　immortality　of　the　soul；　but　He　had　spoken　of　the　glorious　kingdom　of　His　Father；　He　had　nowhere　forbidden　parricide；　but　He　condemned　all　that　was　evil。　The　glory　of　His　evangelists；　and　the　proof　of　their　divine　mission；　is　not　so　much　that　they　made　laws　for　the　world；　but　that　they　spread　a　new　spirit　abroad；　and　the　new　laws　were　filled　with　this　new　spirit。　The　very　courage　which　a　man　displays　in　taking　his　own　life　seemed　to　me　to　be　his　condemnation；　so　long　as　he　felt　that　he　had　within　himself　sufficient　strength　to　die　by　his　own　hands；　he　ought　to　have　had　strength　enough　to　continue　the　struggle。　To　refuse　to　suffer　is　a　sign　of　weakness　rather　than　of　courage；　and；　moreover；　was　it　not　a　sort　of　recusance　to　take　leave　of　life　in　despondency；　an　abjuration　of　the　Christian　faith　which　is　based　upon　the　sublime　words　of　Jesus　Christ：　'Blessed　are　they　that　mourn。'

〃So；　in　any　case；　suicide　seemed　to　me　to　be　an　unpardonable　error；　even　in　the　man　who；　through　a　false　conception　of　greatness　of　soul；　takes　his　life　a　few　moments　before　the　executioner's　axe　falls。　In　humbling　himself　to　the　death　of　the　cross；　did　not　Jesus　Christ　set　for　us　an　example　of　obedience　to　all　human　laws；　even　when　carried　out　unjustly？　The　word　RESIGNATION　engraved　upon　the　cross；　so　clear　to　the　eyes　of　those　who　can　read　the　sacred　characters　in　which　it　is　traced；　shone　for　me　with　divine　brightness。



〃I　still　had　eighty　thousand　francs　in　my　possession；　and　at　first　I　meant　to　live　a　remote　and　solitary　life；　to　vegetate　in　some　country　district　for　the　rest　of　my　days；　but　misanthropy　is　no　Catholic　virtue；　and　there　is　a　certain　vanity　lurking　beneath　the　hedgehog's　skin　of　the　misanthrope。　His　heart　does　not　bleed；　it　shrivels；　and　my　heart　bled　from　every　vein。　I　thought　of　the　discipline　of　the　Church；　the　refuge　that　she　affords　to　sorrowing　souls；　understood　at　last　the　beauty　of　a　life　of　prayer　in　solitude；　and　was　fully　determined　to　'enter　religion；'　in　　the　grand　old　phrase。　So　far　my　intentions　were　firmly　fixed；　but　I　had　not　yet　decided　on　the　best　means　of　carrying　them　out。　I　realized　the　remains　of　my　fortune；　and　set　forth　on　my　journey　with　an　almost　tranquil　mind。　PEACE　IN　GOD　was　a　hope　that　could　never　fail　me。

〃I　felt　drawn　to　the　rule　of　Saint　Bruno；　and　made　the　journey　to　the　Grande　Chartreuse　on　foot；　absorbed　in　solemn　thoughts。　That　was　a　memorable　day。　I　was　not　prepared　for　the　grandeur　of　the　scenery；　the　workings　of　an　unknown　Power　greater　than　that　of　man　were　visible　at　every　step；　the　overhanging　crags；　the　precipices　on　either　hand；　the　stillness　only　broken　by　the　voices　of　the　mountain　streams；　the　sternness　and　wildness　of　the　landscape；　relieved　here　and　there　by　Nature's　fairest　creations；　pine　trees　that　have　stood　for　centuries　and　delicate　rock　plants　at　their　feet；　all　combine　to　produce　sober　musings。　There　seemed　to　be　no　end　to　this　waste　solitude；　shut　in　by　its　lofty　mountain　barriers。　The　idle　curiosity　of　man　could　scarcely　penetrate　there。　It　would　be　difficult　to　cross　this　melancholy　desert　of　Saint　Bruno's　with　a　light　heart。

〃I　saw　the　Grand　Chartreuse。　I　walked　beneath　the　vaulted　roofs　of　the　ancient　cloisters；　and　heard　in　the　silence　the　sound　of　the　water　from　the　spring；　falling　drop　by　drop。　I　entered　a　cell　that　I　might　the　better　realize　my　own　utter　nothingness；　something　of　the　peace　that　my　predecessor　had　found　there　seemed　to　pass　into　my　soul。　An　inscription；　which　in　accordance　with　the　custom　of　the　monastery　he　had　written　above　his　door；　impressed　and　touched　me；　all　the　precepts　of　the　life　that　I　had　meant　to　lead　were　there；　summed　up　in　three　Latin　wordsFuge；　late；　tace。〃

Genestas　bent　his　head　as　if　he　understood。

〃My　decision　was　made；〃　Benassis　resumed。　〃The　cell　with　its　deal　wainscot；　the　hard　bed；　the　solitude；　all　appealed　to　my　soul。　The　Carthusians　were　in　the　chapel；　I　went　thither　to　join　in　their　prayers；　and　there　my　resolutions　vanished。　I　do　not　wish　to　criticise　the　Catholic　Church；　I　am　perfectly　orthodox；　I　believe　in　its　laws　and　in　the　works　it　prescribes。　But　when　I　heard　the　chanting　and　the　prayers　of　those　old　men；　dead　to　the　world　and　forgotten　by　the　world；　I　discerned　an　undercurrent　of　sublime　egoism　in　the　life　of　the　cloister。　This　withdrawal　from　the　world　could　only　benefit　the　individual　soul；　and　after　all　what　was　it　but　a　protracted　suicide？　I　do　not　condemn　it。　The　Church　has　opened　these　tombs　in　which　life　is　buried；　no　doubt　they　are　needful　for　those　few　Christians　who　are　absolutely　useless　to　the　world；　but　for　me；　it　would　be　better；　I　thought；　to　live　among　my　fellows；　to　devote　my　life　of　expiation　to　their　service。

〃As　I　returned　I　thought　long　and　carefully　over　the　various　ways　in　which　I　could　carry　out　my　vow　of　renunciation。　Already　I　began；　in　fancy；　to　lead　the　life　of　a　common　sailor；　condemning　myself　to　serve　our　country　in　the　lowest　ranks；　and　giving　up　all　my　intellectual　ambitions；　but　though　it　was　a　life　of　toil　and　of　self…abnegation；　it　seemed　to　me　that　I　ought　to　do　more　than　this。　Should　I　not　thwart　the　designs　of　God　by　leading　such　a　life？　If　He　had　given　me　intellectual　ability；　was　it　not　my　duty　to　employ　it　for　the　good　of　my　fellow…men？　Then；　besides；　if　I　am　to　speak　frankly；　I　felt　within　me　a　need　of　my　fellow…men；　an　indescribable　wish　to　help　them。　The　round　of　mechanical　duties　and　the　routine　tasks　of　the　sailor　afforded　no　scope　for　this　desire；　which　is　as　much　an　outcome　of　my　nature　as　the　characteristic　scent　that　a　flower　breathes　forth。

〃I　was　obliged　to　spend　the　night　here；　as　I　have　already　told　you。　The　wretched　condition　of　the　countryside　had　filled　me　with　pity；　and　during　the　night　it　seemed　as　if　these　thoughts　had　been　sent　to　me　by　God；　and　that　thus　He　had　revealed　His　will　to　me。　I　had　known　something　of　the　joys　that　pierce　the　heart；　the　happiness　and　the　sorrow　of　motherhood；　I　determined　that　henceforth　my　life　should　be　filled　with　these；　but　that　mine　should　be　a　wider　sphere　than　a　mother's。　I　would　expend　her　care　and　kindness　on　the　whole　district；　I　would　be　a　sister　of　charity；　and　bind　the　wounds　of　all　the　suffering　poor　in　a　countryside。　It　seemed　to　me　that　the　finger　of　God　unmistakably　pointed　out　my　destiny；　and　when　I　remembered　that　my　first　serious　thoughts　in　youth　had　inclined　me　to　the　study　of　medicine；　I　resolved　to　settle　here　as　a　doctor。　Besides；　I　had　another　reason。　FOR　A　WOUNDED　HEARTSHADOW　AND　SILENCE；　so　I　had　written　in　my　letter；　and　I　meant　to　fulfil　the　vow　which　I　had　made　to　myself。

〃So　I　have　entered　into　the　paths　of　silence　and　submission。　The　fuge；　late；　tace　of　the　Carthusian　brother　is　my　motto　here；　my　death　to　the　world　is　the　life　of　this　canton；　my　prayer　takes　the　form　of　the　active　work　to　which　I　have　set　my　hand；　and　which　I　lovethe　work　of　sowing　the　seeds　of　happiness　and　joy；　of　giving　to　others　what　I　myself　have　not。

〃I　have　grown　so　used　to　this　life；　completely　out　of　the　world　and　among　the　peasants；　that　I　am　thoroughly　transformed。　Even　my　face　is　altered；　it　has　been　so　continually　exposed　to　the　sun；　that　it　has　grown　wrinkled　and　weather…beaten。　I　have　fallen　into　the　habits　of　the　peasants；　I　have　assumed　their　dress；　their　ways　of　talking；　their　gait；　their　easy…going　negligence；　their　utter　indifference　to　appearances。　My　old　acquaintances　in　Paris；　or　the　she…coxcombs　on　whom　I　used　to　dance　attendance；　would　be　puzzled　to　recognize　in　me　the　man　who　had　a　certain　vogue　in　his　day；　the　sybarite　accustomed　to　all　the　splendor；　luxury；　and　finery　of　Paris。　I　have　come　to　be　absolutely　indifferent　to　my　surroundings；　like　all　those　who　are　possessed　by　one　thought；　and　have　only　one　object　in　view；　for　I　have　but　one　aim　in　lifeto　take　leave　of　it　as　soon　as　possible。　I　do　not　want　to　hasten　my　end　in　any　way；　but　some　day；　when　illness　comes；　I　shall　lie　down　to　die　without　regret。

〃There；　sir；　you　have　the　whole　story　of　my　life　until　I　came　here　told　in　all　sincerity。　I　have　not　attempted　to　conceal　any　of　my　errors；　they　have　been　great；　though　others　have　erred　as　I　have　erred。　I　have　suffered　greatly；　and　I　am　suffering　still；　but　I　look　beyond　this　life　to　a　happy　future　which　can　only　be　reached　through　sorrow。　And　yetfor　all　my　resignation；　there　are　moments　when　my　courage　fails　me。　This　very　day　I　was　almost　overcome　in　your　presence　by　inward　anguish；　you　did　not　notice　it　but〃

Genestas　started　in　his　chair。

〃Yes；　Captain　Bluteau；　you　were　with　me　at　the　time。　Do　you　remember　how；　while　we　were　putting　lit