a hero of our time-第33部分

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Well？　　If　I　must　die；　I　must！　　The　loss　to　the　world　will　not　be　great；　and　I　myself　am　already　downright　weary　of　everything。　　I　am　like　a　guest　at　a　ball；　who　yawns　but　does　not　go　home　to　bed；　simply　because　his　carriage　has　not　come　for　him。　But　now　the　carriage　is　here。　。　。　　Good…bye！　。　。　。

My　whole　past　life　I　live　again　in　memory；　and；　involuntarily；　I　ask　myself：　'why　have　I　lived　　for　what　purpose　was　I　born？'　。　。　。　　A　purpose　there　must　have　been；　and；　surely；　mine　was　an　exalted　destiny；　because　I　feel　that　within　my　soul　are　powers　immeasurable。　。　。　　But　I　was　not　able　to　discover　that　destiny；　I　allowed　myself　to　be　carried　away　by　the　allurements　of　passions；　inane　and　ignoble。　　From　their　crucible　I　issued　hard　and　cold　as　iron；　but　gone　for　ever　was　the　glow　of　noble　aspirations　　the　fairest　flower　of　life。　　And；　from　that　time　forth；　how　often　have　I　not　played　the　part　of　an　axe　in　the　hands　of　fate！　　Like　an　implement　of　punishment；　I　have　fallen　upon　the　head　of　doomed　victims；　often　without　malice；　always　without　pity。　。　。　　To　none　has　my　love　brought　happiness；　because　I　have　never　sacrificed　anything　for　the　sake　of　those　I　have　loved：　for　myself　alone　I　have　loved　　for　my　own　pleasure。　　I　have　only　satisfied　the　strange　craving　of　my　heart；　greedily　draining　their　feelings；　their　tenderness；　their　joys；　their　sufferings　　and　I　have　never　been　able　to　sate　myself。　　I　am　like　one　who；　spent　with　hunger；　falls　asleep　in　exhaustion　and　sees　before　him　sumptuous　viands　and　sparkling　wines；　he　de…　vours　with　rapture　the　aerial　gifts　of　the　imagina…　tion；　and　his　pains　seem　somewhat　assuaged。　　Let　him　but　awake：　the　vision　vanishes　　twofold　hunger　and　despair　remain！

And　to…morrow；　it　may　be；　I　shall　die！　。　。　。　And　there　will　not　be　left　on　earth　one　being　who　has　understood　me　completely。　　Some　will　con…　sider　me　worse；　others；　better；　than　I　have　been　in　reality。　。　。　　Some　will　say：　'he　was　a　good　fellow'；　others：　'a　villain。'　　And　both　epithets　will　be　false。　　After　all　this；　is　life　worth　the　trouble？　　And　yet　we　live　　out　of　curiosity！　We　expect　something　new。　。　。　　How　absurd；　and　yet　how　vexatious！



CHAPTER　XIX

IT　is　now　a　month　and　a　half　since　I　have　been　in　the　N　Fortress。

Maksim　Maksimych　is　out　hunting。　。　。　　I　am　alone。　　I　am　sitting　by　the　window。　　Grey　clouds　have　covered　the　mountains　to　the　foot；　the　sun　appears　through　the　mist　as　a　yellow　spot。　　It　is　cold；　the　wind　is　whistling　and　rocking　the　shutters。　。　。　　I　am　bored！　。　。　。　　I　will　continue　my　diary　which　has　been　interrupted　by　so　many　strange　events。

I　read　the　last　page　over：　how　ridiculous　it　seems！　。　。　。　　I　thought　to　die；　it　was　not　to　be。　I　have　not　yet　drained　the　cup　of　suffering；　and　now　I　feel　that　I　still　have　long　to　live。

How　clearly　and　how　sharply　have　all　these　bygone　events　been　stamped　upon　my　memory！　Time　has　not　effaced　a　single　line；　a　single　shade。

I　remember　that　during　the　night　preceding　the　duel　I　did　not　sleep　a　single　moment。　　I　was　not　able　to　write　for　long：　a　secret　uneasiness　took　possession　of　me。　　For　about　an　hour　I　paced　the　room；　then　I　sat　down　and　opened　a　novel　by　Walter　Scott　which　was　lying　on　my　table。　　It　was　〃The　Scottish　Puritans。〃＇1＇　　At　first　I　read　with　an　effort；　then；　carried　away　by　the　magical　fiction；　I　became　oblivious　of　every…　thing　else。


＇1＇　None　of　the　Waverley　novels；　of　course；　bears　this　title。　The　novel　referred　to　is　doubtless　〃Old　Mortality；〃　on　which　Bellini's　opera；　〃I　Puritani　di　Scozia；〃　is　founded。


At　last　day　broke。　　My　nerves　became　com…　posed。　　I　looked　in　the　glass：　a　dull　pallor　covered　my　face；　which　preserved　the　traces　of　harassing　sleeplessness；　but　my　eyes；　although　encircled　by　a　brownish　shadow；　glittered　proudly　and　inexorably。　　I　was　satisfied　with　myself。

I　ordered　the　horses　to　be　saddled；　dressed　my…　self；　and　ran　down　to　the　baths。　　Plunging　into　the　cold；　sparkling　water　of　the　Narzan　Spring；　I　felt　my　bodily　and　mental　powers　returning。　　I　left　the　baths　as　fresh　and　hearty　as　if　I　was　off　to　a　ball。　　After　that；　who　shall　say　that　the　soul　is　not　dependent　upon　the　body！　。　。　。

On　my　return；　I　found　the　doctor　at　my　rooms。　He　was　wearing　grey　riding…breeches；　a　jacket　and　a　Circassian　cap。　　I　burst　out　laughing　when　I　saw　that　little　figure　under　the　enormous　shaggy　cap。　　Werner　has　a　by　no　means　warlike　counte…　nance；　and　on　that　occasion　it　was　even　longer　than　usual。

〃Why　so　sad；　doctor？〃　I　said　to　him。　　〃Have　you　not　a　hundred　times；　with　the　greatest　indifference；　escorted　people　to　the　other　world？　Imagine　that　I　have　a　bilious　fever：　I　may　get　well；　also；　I　may　die；　both　are　in　the　usual　course　of　things。　　Try　to　look　on　me　as　a　patient；　afflicted　with　an　illness　with　which　you　are　still　unfamiliar　　and　then　your　curiosity　will　be　aroused　in　the　highest　degree。　　You　can　now　make　a　few　important　physiological　observations　upon　me。　。　。　　Is　not　the　expectation　of　a　violent　death　itself　a　real　illness？〃

The　doctor　was　struck　by　that　idea；　and　he　brightened　up。

We　mounted　our　horses。　　Werner　clung　on　to　his　bridle　with　both　hands；　and　we　set　off。　　In　a　trice　we　had　galloped　past　the　fortress；　through　the　village；　and　had　ridden　into　the　gorge。　　Our　winding　road　was　half…overgrown　with　tall　grass　and　was　intersected　every　moment　by　a　noisy　brook；　which　we　had　to　ford；　to　the　great　despair　of　the　doctor；　because　each　time　his　horse　would　stop　in　the　water。

A　morning　more　fresh　and　blue　I　cannot　remember！　　The　sun　had　scarce　shown　his　face　from　behind　the　green　summits；　and　the　blending　of　the　first　warmth　of　his　rays　with　the　dying　coolness　of　the　night　produced　on　all　my　feelings　a　sort　of　sweet　languor。　　The　joyous　beam　of　the　young　day　had　not　yet　penetrated　the　gorge；　it　gilded　only　the　tops　of　the　cliffs　which　overhung　us　on　both　sides。　　The　tufted　shrubs；　growing　in　the　deep　crevices　of　the　cliffs；　besprinkled　us　with　a　silver　shower　at　the　least　breath　of　wind。　　I　remember　that　on　that　occasion　I　loved　Nature　more　than　ever　before。　　With　what　curiosity　did　I　examine　every　dewdrop　trembling　upon　the　broad　vine　leaf　and　reflecting　millions　of　rainbow…　hued　rays！　　How　eagerly　did　my　glance　en…　deavour　to　penetrate　the　smoky　distance！　　There　the　road　grew　narrower　and　narrower；　the　cliffs　bluer　and　more　dreadful；　and　at　last　they　met；　it　seemed；　in　an　impenetrable　wall。

We　rode　in　silence。

〃Have　you　made　your　will？〃　Werner　suddenly　inquired。

〃No。〃

〃And　if　you　are　killed？〃

〃My　heirs　will　be　found　of　themselves。〃

〃Is　it　possible　that　you　have　no　friends；　to　whom　you　would　like　to　send　a　last　farewell？〃　。　。　。

I　shook　my　head。

〃Is　there；　really；　not　one　woman　in　the　world　to　whom　you　would　like　to　leave　some　token　in　remembrance？〃　。　。　。

〃Do　you　want　me　to　reveal　my　soul　to　you；　doctor？〃　I　answered。　。　。　　〃You　see；　I　have　outlived　the　years　when　people　die　with　the　name　of　the　beloved　on　their　lips　and　bequeathing　to　a　friend　a　lock　of　pomaded　　or　unpomaded　　hair。　When　I　think　that　death　may　be　near；　I　think　of　myself　alone；　others　do　not　even　do　as　much。　The　friends　who　to…morrow　will　forget　me　or；　worse；　will　utter　goodness　knows　what　falsehoods　about　me；　the　women　who；　while　embracing　another；　will　laugh　at　me　in　order　not　to　arouse　his　jealousy　of　the　deceased　　let　them　go！　　Out　of　the　storm　of　life　I　have　borne　away　only　a　few　ideas　　and　not　one　feeling。　　For　a　long　time　now　I　have　been　living；　not　with　my　heart；　but　with　my　head。　　I　weigh；　analyse　my　own　passions　and　actions　with　severe　curiosity；　but　without　sympathy。　　There　are　two　personalities　within　me：　one　lives　　in　the　complete　sense　of　the　word　　the　other　reflects　and　judges　him；　the　first；　it　may　be；　in　an　hour's　time；　will　take　fare…　well　of　you　and　the　world　for　ever；　and　the　second　　the　second？　。　。　。　　Look；　doctor；　do　you　see　those　three　black　figures　on　the　cliff；　to　the　right？　They　are　our　antagonists；　I　suppose？〃　。　。　。

We　pushed　on。

In　the　bushes　at　the　foot　of　the　cliff　three　horses　were　tethered；　we　tethered　ours　there　too；　and　then　we　clambered　up　the　narrow　path　to　the　ledge　on　which　Grushnitski　was　awaiting　us　in　company　with　the　captain　of　dragoons　and　his　other　second；　whom　they　called　Ivan　Ignate…　vich。　　His　surname　I　never　heard。

〃We　have　been　expecting　you　for　quite　a　long　time；〃　said　the　captain　of　dragoons；　with　an　ironical　smile。

I　drew　out　my　watch　and　showed　him　the　time。

He　apologized；　saying　that　his　watch　was　fast。

There　was　an　embarrassing　silence　for　a　few　moments。　　At　length　the　doctor　inter…　rupted　it。

〃It　seems　to　me；〃　he　said；　turning　to　Grush…　nitski；　〃that　as　you　have　both　shown　your　readi…　ness　to　fight；　and　thereby　paid　the　debt　due　to　the　conditions　of　honour；　you　might　be　able　to　come　to　an　explanation　and　finish　the　affair　amicably。〃

〃I　am　ready；〃　I　said。

The　captain　winked　to　Grushnitski；　and　the　latter；　thinking　that　I　was　losing　courage；　assumed　a　haughty　air；　although；　until　that　moment；　his　cheeks　had　been　covered　with　a　dull　pallor。　　For　the　first　time　since　our　arrival　he　lifted　his　eyes　on　me；　but　in　his　glance　there　was　a　certain　disquietude　which　evinced　an　inward　struggle。

〃Declare　your　conditions；〃　he　said；　〃and　anything　I　can　do　for　you；　be