lay morals-第25部分

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r　　a　subtle　argument　may　do　the　speaker　permanent　service　in　　after　life。　　Such　a　club　might　end；　perhaps；　by　rivalling　the　　'Union'　at　Cambridge　or　the　'Union'　at　Oxford。



COLLEGE　PAPERS　CHAPTER　IV　…　THE　PHILOSOPHY　OF　UMBRELLAS　（1）



IT　is　wonderful　to　think　what　a　turn　has　been　given　to　our　　whole　Society　by　the　fact　that　we　live　under　the　sign　of　　Aquarius　…　that　our　climate　is　essentially　wet。　　A　mere　　arbitrary　distinction；　like　the　walking…swords　of　yore；　might　　have　remained　the　symbol　of　foresight　and　respectability；　had　　not　the　raw　mists　and　dropping　showers　of　our　island　pointed　　the　inclination　of　Society　to　another　exponent　of　those　　virtues。　　A　ribbon　of　the　Legion　of　Honour　or　a　string　of　　medals　may　prove　a　person's　courage；　a　title　may　prove　his　　birth；　a　professorial　chair　his　study　and　acquirement；　but　it　　is　the　habitual　carriage　of　the　umbrella　that　is　the　stamp　of　　Respectability。　　The　umbrella　has　become　the　acknowledged　　index　of　social　position。

Robinson　Crusoe　presents　us　with　a　touching　instance　of　the　　hankering　after　them　inherent　in　the　civilised　and　educated　　mind。　　To　the　superficial；　the　hot　suns　of　Juan　Fernandez　may　　sufficiently　account　for　his　quaint　choice　of　a　luxury；　but　　surely　one　who　had　borne　the　hard　labour　of　a　seaman　under　　the　tropics　for　all　these　years　could　have　supported　an　　excursion　after　goats　or　a　peaceful　CONSTITUTIONAL　arm　in　arm　　with　the　nude　Friday。　　No；　it　was　not　this：　the　memory　of　a　　vanished　respectability　called　for　some　outward　　manifestation；　and　the　result　was　…　an　umbrella。　　A　pious　　castaway　might　have　rigged　up　a　belfry　and　solaced　his　Sunday　　mornings　with　the　mimicry　of　church…bells；　but　Crusoe　was　　rather　a　moralist　than　a　pietist；　and　his　leaf…umbrella　is　as　　fine　an　example　of　the　civilised　mind　striving　to　express　　itself　under　adverse　circumstances　as　we　have　ever　met　with。

It　is　not　for　nothing；　either；　that　the　umbrella　has　become　　the　very　foremost　badge　of　modern　civilisation　…　the　Urim　and　　Thummim　of　respectability。　　Its　pregnant　symbolism　has　taken　　its　rise　in　the　most　natural　manner。　　Consider；　for　a　moment；　　when　umbrellas　were　first　introduced　into　this　country；　what　　manner　of　men　would　use　them；　and　what　class　would　adhere　to　　the　useless　but　ornamental　cane。　　The　first；　without　doubt；　　would　be　the　hypochondriacal；　out　of　solicitude　for　their　　health；　or　the　frugal；　out　of　care　for　their　raiment；　the　　second；　it　is　equally　plain；　would　include　the　fop；　the　fool；　　and　the　Bobadil。　　Any　one　acquainted　with　the　growth　of　　Society；　and　knowing　out　of　what　small　seeds　of　cause　are　　produced　great　revolutions；　and　wholly　new　conditions　of　　intercourse；　sees　from　this　simple　thought　how　the　carriage　　of　an　umbrella　came　to　indicate　frugality；　judicious　regard　　for　bodily　welfare；　and　scorn　for　mere　outward　adornment；　　and；　in　one　word；　all　those　homely　and　solid　virtues　implied　　in　the　term　RESPECTABILITY。　　Not　that　the　umbrella's　　costliness　has　nothing　to　do　with　its　great　influence。　　Its　　possession；　besides　symbolising　（as　we　have　already　　indicated）　the　change　from　wild　Esau　to　plain　Jacob　dwelling　　in　tents；　implies　a　certain　comfortable　provision　of　fortune。　　　It　is　not　every　one　that　can　expose　twenty…six　shillings'　　worth　of　property　to　so　many　chances　of　loss　and　theft。　　So　　strongly　do　we　feel　on　this　point；　indeed；　that　we　are　almost　　inclined　to　consider　all　who　possess　really　well…conditioned　　umbrellas　as　worthy　of　the　Franchise。　　They　have　a　　qualification　standing　in　their　lobbies；　they　carry　a　　sufficient　stake　in　the　common…weal　below　their　arm。　　One　who　　bears　with　him　an　umbrella　…　such　a　complicated　structure　of　　whalebone；　of　silk；　and　of　cane；　that　it　becomes　a　very　　microcosm　of　modern　industry　…　is　necessarily　a　man　of　peace。　　　A　half…crown　cane　may　be　applied　to　an　offender's　head　on　a　　very　moderate　provocation；　but　a　six…and…twenty　shilling　silk　　is　a　possession　too　precious　to　be　adventured　in　the　shock　of　　war。

These　are　but　a　few　glances　at　how　umbrellas　（in　the　general）　　came　to　their　present　high　estate。　　But　the　true　Umbrella…　Philosopher　meets　with　far　stranger　applications　as　he　goes　　about　the　streets。

Umbrellas；　like　faces；　acquire　a　certain　sympathy　with　the　　individual　who　carries　them：　indeed；　they　are　far　more　　capable　of　betraying　his　trust；　for　whereas　a　face　is　given　　to　us　so　far　ready　made；　and　all　our　power　over　it　is　in　　frowning；　and　laughing；　and　grimacing；　during　the　first　three　　or　four　decades　of　life；　each　umbrella　is　selected　from　a　　whole　shopful；　as　being　most　consonant　to　the　purchaser's　　disposition。　　An　undoubted　power　of　diagnosis　rests　with　the　　practised　Umbrella…Philosopher。　　O　you　who　lisp；　and　amble；　　and　change　the　fashion　of　your　countenances　…　you　who　conceal　　all　these；　how　little　do　you　think　that　you　left　a　proof　of　　your　weakness　in　our　umbrella…stand　…　that　even　now；　as　you　　shake　out　the　folds　to　meet　the　thickening　snow；　we　read　in　　its　ivory　handle　the　outward　and　visible　sign　of　your　　snobbery；　or　from　the　exposed　gingham　of　its　cover　detect；　　through　coat　and　waistcoat；　the　hidden　hypocrisy　of　the　　'DICKEY'！　　But　alas！　even　the　umbrella　is　no　certain　　criterion。　　The　falsity　and　the　folly　of　the　human　race　have　　degraded　that　graceful　symbol　to　the　ends　of　dishonesty；　and　　while　some　umbrellas；　from　carelessness　in　selection；　are　not　　strikingly　characteristic　（for　it　is　only　in　what　a　man　loves　　that　he　displays　his　real　nature）；　others；　from　certain　　prudential　motives；　are　chosen　directly　opposite　to　the　　person's　disposition。　　A　mendacious　umbrella　is　a　sign　of　　great　moral　degradation。　　Hypocrisy　naturally　shelters　itself　　below　a　silk；　while　the　fast　youth　goes　to　visit　his　　religious　friends　armed　with　the　decent　and　reputable　　gingham。　　May　it　not　be　said　of　the　bearers　of　these　　inappropriate　umbrellas　that　they　go　about　the　streets　'with　　a　lie　in　their　right　hand'？

The　kings　of　Siam；　as　we　read；　besides　having　a　graduated　　social　scale　of　umbrellas　（which　was　a　good　thing）；　prevented　　the　great　bulk　of　their　subjects　from　having　any　at　all；　　which　was　certainly　a　bad　thing。　　We　should　be　sorry　to　　believe　that　this　Eastern　legislator　was　a　fool　…　the　idea　of　　an　aristocracy　of　umbrellas　is　too　philosophic　to　have　　originated　in　a　nobody　…　and　we　have　accordingly　taken　　exceeding　pains　to　find　out　the　reason　of　this　harsh　　restriction。　　We　think　we　have　succeeded；　but；　while　admiring　　the　principle　at　which　he　aimed；　and　while　cordially　　recognising　in　the　Siamese　potentate　the　only　man　before　　ourselves　who　had　taken　a　real　grasp　of　the　umbrella；　we　must　　be　allowed　to　point　out　how　unphilosophically　the　great　man　　acted　in　this　particular。　　His　object；　plainly；　was　to　　prevent　any　unworthy　persons　from　bearing　the　sacred　symbol　　of　domestic　virtues。　　We　cannot　excuse　his　limiting　these　　virtues　to　the　circle　of　his　court。　　We　must　only　remember　　that　such　was　the　feeling　of　the　age　in　which　he　lived。　　　Liberalism　had　not　yet　raised　the　war…cry　of　the　working　　classes。　　But　here　was　his　mistake：　it　was　a　needless　　regulation。　　Except　in　a　very　few　cases　of　hypocrisy　joined　　to　a　powerful　intellect；　men；　not　by　nature　UMBRELLARIANS；　　have　tried　again　and　again　to　become　so　by　art；　and　yet　have　　failed　…　have　expended　their　patrimony　in　the　purchase　of　　umbrella　after　umbrella；　and　yet　have　systematically　lost　　them；　and　have　finally；　with　contrite　spirits　and　shrunken　　purses；　given　up　their　vain　struggle；　and　relied　on　theft　and　　borrowing　for　the　remainder　of　their　lives。　　This　is　the　most　　remarkable　fact　that　we　have　had　occasion　to　notice；　and　yet　　we　challenge　the　candid　reader　to　call　it　in　question。　　Now；　　as　there　cannot　be　any　MORAL　SELECTION　in　a　mere　dead　piece　　of　furniture　…　as　the　umbrella　cannot　be　supposed　to　have　an　　affinity　for　individual　men　equal　and　reciprocal　to　that　　which　men　certainly　feel　toward　individual　umbrellas　…　we　　took　the　trouble　of　consulting　a　scientific　friend　as　to　　whether　there　was　any　possible　physical　explanation　of　the　　phenomenon。　　He　was　unable　to　supply　a　plausible　theory；　or　　even　hypothesis；　but　we　extract　from　his　letter　the　following　　interesting　passage　relative　to　the　physical　peculiarities　of　　umbrellas：　'Not　the　least　important；　and　by　far　the　most　　curious　property　of　the　umbrella；　is　the　energy　which　it　　displays　in　affecting　the　atmospheric　strata。　　There　is　no　　fact　in　meteorology　better　established　…　indeed；　it　is　almost　　the　only　one　on　which　meteorologists　are　agreed　…　than　that　　the　carriage　of　an　umbrella　produces　desiccation　of　the　air；　　while　if　it　be　left　at　home；　aqueous　vapour　is　largely　　produced；　and　is　soon　deposited　in　the　form　of　rain。　　No　　theory；'　my　friend　continues；　'competent　to　explain　this　　hygrometric　law　has　been　given　（as　far　as　I　am　aware）　by　　Herschel；　Dove；　Glaisher；　Tait；　Buchan；　or　any　other　writer；　　nor　do　I　pretend　to　supply　the　defect。　　I　venture；　however；　　to　throw　out　the　conjecture　that　it　will　be　ultimately　found　　to　belong　to　the　same　class　of　natural　laws　as　that　agreeable　　to　which　a　slice　of　toast　always　descends　with　the　buttered　　surface　downwards。'

But　it　is　time　to　draw　to　a　close。　　We　could　expatiate　much　　longer　upon　this　topic；