战争与和平(上)-第174部分

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That　evening　Marya　Dmitryevna　was　going　to　the　Arharovs’；　and　proposed　taking　the　young　ladies　with　her。　Natasha　pleaded　a　headache　and　stayed　at　home。


Chapter　15
ON　RETURNING　LATE　in　the　evening；　Sonya　went　into　Natasha’s　room；　and　to　her　surprise　found　her　not　undressed　asleep　on　the　sofa。　On　the　table　near　her　Anatole’s　letter　lay　open。　Sonya　picked　up　the　letter　and　began　to　read　it。
She　read　it；　and　looked　at　Natasha　asleep；　seeking　in　her　face　some　explanation　of　what　she　had　read　and　not　finding　it。　Her　face　was　quiet；　gentle；　and　happy。　Clutching　at　her　own　chest　to　keep　herself　from　choking；　Sonya；　pale　and　shaking　with　horror　and　emotion；　sat　down　in　a　low　chair　and　burst　into　tears。
“How　was　it　I　saw　nothing？　How　can　it　have　gone　so　far？　Can　she　have　ceased　loving　Prince　Andrey？　And　how　could　she　have　let　this　Kuragin　go　as　far　as　this？　He’s　a　deceiver　and　a　villain；　that’s　clear。　What　will　Nikolenka—dear；　noble　Nikolenka—do　when　he　hears　of　it？　So　that　was　the　meaning　of　her　excited；　determined；　unnatural　face　the　day　before　yesterday；　and　yesterday　and　to…day；”　thought　Sonya。　“But　it’s　impossible　that　she　can　care　for　him！　Most　likely　she　opened　the　letter　not　knowing　from　whom　it　was。　Most　likely　she　feels　insulted　by　it。　She’s　not　capable　of　doing　such　a　thing！”
Sonya　dried　her　tears　and　went　up　to　Natasha；　carefully　scrutinising　her　face　again。
“Natasha！”　she　said；　hardly　audibly。
Natasha　waked　up　and　saw　Sonya。
“Ah；　you　have　come　back？”
And　with　the　decision　and　tenderness　common　at　the　moment　of　awakening　she　embraced　her　friend。　But　noticing　embarrassment　in　Sonya’s　face；　her　face　too　expressed　embarrassment　and　suspicion。
“Sonya；　you　have　read　the　letter？”　she　said。
“Yes；”　said　Sonya　softly。
Natasha　smiled　ecstatically。
“No；　Sonya；　I　can’t　help　it！”　she　said。　“I　can’t　keep　it　secret　from　you　any　longer。　You　know　we　love　each　other！　…　Sonya；　darling；　he　writes　…　Sonya　…”
Sonya　gazed　with　wide…open　eyes　at　Natasha；　as　though　unable　to　believe　her　ears。
“But　Bolkonsky？”　she　said。
“O　Sonya；　oh；　if　you　could　only　know　how　happy　I　am！”　said　Natasha。　“You　don’t　know　what　love　…”
“But；　Natasha；　you　can’t　mean　that　all　that　is　over？”
Natasha　looked　with　her　big；　wide　eyes　at　Sonya　as　though　not　understanding　her　question。
“Are　you　breaking　it　off　with　Prince　Andrey　then？”　said　Sonya。
“Oh；　you　don’t　understand；　don’t　talk　nonsense；　listen；”　said　Natasha；　with　momentary　annoyance。
“No；　I　can’t　believe　it；”　repeated　Sonya。　“I　don’t　understand　it。　What；　for　a　whole　year　you　have　been　loving　one　man；　and　all　at　once　…　Why；　you　have　only　seen　him　three　times。　Natasha；　I　can’t　believe　you；　you’re　joking。　In　three　days　to　forget　everything；　and　like　this　…”
“Three　days；”　said　Natasha。　“It　seems　to　me　as　though　I　had　loved　him　for　a　hundred　years。　It　seems　to　me　that　I　have　never　loved　any　one　before　him。　You　can’t　understand　that。　Sonya；　stay；　sit　here。”　Natasha　hugged　and　kissed　her。　“I　have　been　told　of　its　happening；　and　no　doubt　you　have　heard　of　it　too；　but　it’s　only　now　that　I　have　felt　such　love。　It’s　not　what　I　have　felt　before。　As　soon　as　I　saw　him；　I　felt　that　he　was　my　sovereign　and　I　was　his　slave；　and　that　I　could　not　help　loving　him。　Yes；　his　slave！　Whatever　he　bids　me；　I　shall　do。　You　don’t　understand　that。　What　am　I　to　do？　What　am　I　to　do；　Sonya？”　said　Natasha；　with　a　blissful　and　frightened　face。
“But　only　think　what　you　are　doing；”　said　Sonya。　“I　can’t　leave　it　like　this。　These　secret　letters　…　How　could　you　let　him　go　so　far　as　that？”　she　said；　with　a　horror　and　aversion　she　could　with　difficulty　conceal。
“I　have　told　you；”　answered　Natasha；　“that　I　have　no　will。　How　is　it　you　don’t　understand　that？　I　love　him！”
“Then　I　can’t　let　it　go　on　like　this。　I　shall　tell　about　it；”　cried　Sonya　with　a　burst　of　tears。
“What　…　for　God’s　sake　…　If　you　tell；　you　are　my　enemy；”　said　Natasha。　“You　want　to　make　me　miserable；　and　you　want　us　to　be　separated…”
On　seeing　Natasha’s　alarm；　Sonya　wept　tears　of　shame　and　pity　for　her　friend。
“But　what　has　passed　between　you？”　she　asked。　“What　has　he　said　to　you？　Why　doesn’t　he　come　to　the　house？”
Natasha　made　no　answer　to　her　question。
“For　God’s　sake；　Sonya；　don’t　tell　any　one；　don’t　torture　me；”　Natasha　implored　her。　“Remember　that　it　doesn’t　do　to　meddle　in　such　matters。　I　have　told　you　…”
“But　why　this　secrecy？　Why　doesn’t　he　come　to　the　house？”　Sonya　persisted。　“Why　doesn’t　he　ask　for　your　hand　straight　out？　Prince　Andrey；　you　know；　gave　you　complete　liberty；　if　it　really　is　so；　but　I　can’t　believe　in　it。　Natasha；　have　you　thought　what　the　secret　reasons　can　be？”
Natasha　looked　with　wondering　eyes　at　Sonya。　Evidently　it　was　the　first　time　that　question　had　presented　itself　to　her；　and　she　did　not　know　how　to　answer　it。
“What　the　reasons　are；　I　don’t　know。　But　there　must　be　reasons！”
Sonya　sighed　and　shook　her　head　distrustfully。
“If　there　were　reasons…”　she　was　beginning。　But　Natasha；　divining　her　doubts；　interrupted　her　in　dismay。
“Sonya；　you　mustn’t　doubt　of　him；　you　mustn’t；　you　mustn’t！　Do　you　understand？”　she　cried。
“Does　he　love　you？”
“Does　he　love　me？”　repeated　Natasha；　with　a　smile　of　compassion　for　her　friend’s　dullness　of　comprehension。　“Why；　you　have　read　his　letter；　haven’t　you？　You’ve　seen　him。”
“But　if　he　is　a　dishonourable　man？”
“He！　…　a　dishonourable　man？　If　only　you　knew！”　said　Natasha。
“If　he　is　an　honourable　man；　he　ought　either　to　explain　his　intentions；　or　to　give　up　seeing　you；　and　if　you　won’t　do　that；　I　will　do　it。　I’ll　write　to　him。　I’ll　tell　papa；”　said　Sonya　resolutely。
“But　I　can’t　live　without　him！”　cried　Natasha。
“Natasha；　I　don’t　understand　you。　And　what　are　you　saying？　Think　of　your　father；　of　Nikolenka。”
“I　don’t　care　for　any　one；　I　don’t　love　any　one　but　him。　How　dare　you　say　he’s　dishonourable！　Don’t　you　know　that　I　love　him？”　cried　Natasha。　“Sonya；　go　away；　I　don’t　want　to　quarrel　with　you；　go　away；　for　God’s　sake；　go　away；　you　see　how　wretched　I　am；”　cried　Natasha　angrily；　in　a　voice　of　repressed　irritation　and　despair。　Sonya　burst　into　sobs　and　ran　out　of　the　room。
Natasha　went　to　the　table；　and　without　a　moment’s　reflection　wrote　that　answer　to　Princess　Marya；　which　she　had　been　unable　to　write　all　the　morning。　In　her　letter　she　told　Princess　Marya　briefly　that　all　misunderstandings　between　them　were　at　an　end；　as　taking　advantage　of　the　generosity　of　Prince　Andrey；　who　had　at　parting　given　her　full　liberty；　she　begged　her　to　forget　everything　and　forgive　if　she　had　been　in　fault　in　any　way；　but　she　could　not　be　his　wife。　It　all　seemed　to　her　so　easy；　so　simple；　and　so　clear　at　that　moment。
The　Rostovs　were　to　return　to　the　country　on　Friday；　but　on　Wednesday　the　count　went　with　the　intending　purchaser　to　his　estate　near　Moscow。
On　the　day　the　count　left；　Sonya　and　Natasha　were　invited　to　a　big　dinner…party　at　Julie　Karagin’s；　and　Marya　Dmitryevna　took　them。　At　that　dinner　Natasha　met　Anatole　again；　and　Sonya　noticed　that　Natasha　said　something　to　him；　trying　not　to　be　overheard；　and　was　all　through　the　dinner　more　excited　than　before。　When　they　got　home；　Natasha　was　the　first　to　enter　upon　the　conversation　with　Sonya　that　her　friend　was　expecting。
“Well；　Sonya；　you　said　all　sorts　of　silly　things　about　him；”　Natasha　began　in　a　meek　voice；　the　voice　in　which　children　speak　when　they　want　to　be　praised　for　being　good。　“I　have　had　it　all　out　with　him　to…day。”
“Well；　what　did　he　say？　Well？　Come；　what　did　he　say？　Natasha；　I’m　so　glad　you’re　not　angry　with　me。　Tell　me　everything；　all　the　truth。　What　did　he　say？”
Natasha　sank　into　thought。
“O　Sonya；　if　you　knew　him　as　I　do！　He　said　…　He　asked　me　what　promise　I　had　given　Bolkonsky。　He　was　so　glad　that　I　was　free　to　refuse　him。”
Sonya　sighed　dejectedly。
“But　you　haven’t　refused　Bolkonsky；　have　you？”　she　said。
“Oh；　perhaps　I　have　refused　him！　Perhaps　it’s　all　at　an　end　with　Bolkonsky。　Why　do　you　think　so　ill　of　me？”
“I　don’t　think　anything；　only　I　don’t　understand　this。…”
“Wait　a　little；　Sonya；　you　will　understand　it　all。　You　will　see　the　sort　of　man　he　is。　Don’t　think　ill　of　me；　or　of　him。”
“I　don’t　think　ill　of　any　one；　I　like　every　one　and　am　sorry　for　every　one。　But　what　am　I　to　do？”
Sonya　would　not　let　herself　be　won　over　by　the　affectionate　tone　Natasha　took　with　her。　The　softer　and　the　more　ingratiating　Natasha’s　face　became；　the　more　serious　and　stern　became　the　face　of　Sonya。
“Natasha；”　she　said；　“you　asked　me　not　to　speak　to　you；　and　I　haven’t　spoken；　now　you　have　begun　yourself。　Natasha；　I　don’t　trust　him。　Why　this　secrecy？”
“Again；　again！”　interrupted　Natasha。
“Natasha；　I　am　afraid　for　you。”
“What　is　there　to　be　afraid　of？”
“I　am　afraid　you　will　be　ruined；”　said　Sonya　resolutely；　herself　horrified　at　what　she　was　saying。
Natasha’s　face　expressed　anger　again。
“Then　I　will　be　ruined；　I　will；　I’ll　hasten　to　my　ruin。　It’s　not　your　business。　It’s　not　you；　but　I；　will　suffer　for　it。　Leave　me　alone；　leave　me　alone。　I　hate　you！”
“Natasha！”　Sonya　appealed　to　her　in　dismay。
“I　hate　you；　I　hate　you！　And　you’re　my　enemy　for　ever